Boomerang
by StarlightNights
Summary: No matter what I do I will always go back to him and he will always let me.  Because I am a boomerang, and I always return to sender. A story of Edward and Bella's tumultuous relationship.
1. 1: Going Nowhere Slow

**Chapter 1**

**Going Nowhere Slow**

I don't bother to turn on the light as we stumble into my small apartment, already into a heavy make out session. My light sweatshirt hits the floor before the door even closes. My back hits the wall and I giggle, breaking away from the kiss as I pull my shirt over my head. His mouth finds its way to my neck and I bite my lip and pull on his hair as he works his magic. Ben, he may have a boring name but nothing else about him is boring.

I met him at the bar. No, I'm not drunk, just had a little to drink. I promised Jasper I'd behave. And I have been…trying at least. I'm sure he wouldn't consider going to a bar every night behaving, but for what I'm used to, it's pretty fucking tame. I don't exactly have friends out here. I always start out in the bar like a true alcoholic, drinking by myself, but by the end of the night I've settled into a table of people and found a guy for the night. You can't expect me to be perfect. You can't expect me to change after years of fucking up everything. Especially since I hate it here so much.

Fucking New York. All the way across the fucking country. Jasper said that I needed to change my entire life. And I'm trying. He called me all the time the first week, constantly checking in to make sure I was doing okay. I guess I blew my chances at trust a long time ago. But for the past three weeks, I haven't had longer than a minute conversation with him. I'm getting the impression that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Maybe that's why he forced me out here. He didn't want to deal with me anymore. No one back at home does. What am I talking about? This is my fucking home now. No matter how much I hate it.

I push all thoughts of the old me and my old life to the back of my head and I attach my lips to Ben's again. Walking forward as I grip the bottom of his shirt and pull, sending buttons flying. Walking and making out are not easy to do simultaneously, we nearly trip over the coffee table in the center of the room and send something glass shattering to the floor. Not like I have anything of value anyway. I giggle some more as my bra falls. I push Ben on to my couch and straddle him, nipping at his neck as I unbuckled his belt, his hands resting on my hips. I slipped my warm hand into his pants and his head rolled back as he let out a low moan, my fingers wrapping around him. And of course I can't just simply enjoy the moment…my phone has to ring.

I pull away from Ben and glare at my phone. "Don't," he gasps, grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me once more. He makes a very good point.

I ignore it for the first thirty seconds but then it just gets on my nerves. I groan and pull away again, he sighs in defeat and slams his head against the back of the couch. "Sorry," I sigh, running my fingers through my hair, trying to catch my breath. "It could be something important." I try to reason. But what would be important? No one ever calls any more. I pick up the phone, answering with an unenthusiastic hello.

"Izzy." The small voice of my 14-year-old neighbor answers.

"Jake," I groan again and search for my clock. "You are aware that it's almost 3 am?" I sigh as I watch Ben stick out his bottom lip in the sexiest pout I have ever seen.

"Yeah," he answers. "But you never go to sleep before 3 and I just heard you break something."

Ben asks who it is and I just put up my index finger. "Shouldn't you be sleeping? It's a school night." Ben raises an eyebrow and I flick his toned abs.

"Can't sleep," he signs. Ben licks and nips at my neck and I want nothing more than to hang up and let him continue but part of my transformation is to be considerate of people other than myself. "Can't you hear them fighting again?"

Despite my surging libido, I stop Ben and hold the phone away from my ear and I hear the shouts from the adjacent apartment. "I guess I wasn't paying attention."

"You're that into the new project?" He laughs and I force myself to laugh too, slapping Ben's hand from the zipper of my jeans.

"I guess you could say that."

"Mind if I spend the night?" My face falls into a pout. Entertaining a child is the last thing that I feel like doing. In fact, the only thing that I do feel like doing is Ben.

"I…" But I can't say no without having a reason. I know this kid, he is relentless. But I don't feel like admitting what my reasons are. So it's time to start pulling shit out of my ass. "Well, the place is such a mess and…"

"No offence, but your place is always a mess." Damn it! The kids got me there. "I like talking to you and…I'm just sick of hearing them fight all the time." A compliment and he plays the pity card!

I roll my eyes and try to find a good excuse but stop myself. I'm not supposed to be selfish anymore. I sigh in defeat. "Give me five minutes." I hang up and give Ben a sympathetic smile.

"I'm not proud of what I'm about to admit, but I think I can do it in under five minutes."

I fall forward and laugh into his chest. "As tempting as that is, and believe me, it is really tempting. I'm sorry." He nods with a sigh as I get off of his lap. He buckles his pants as I pick up a tank top from the floor and put it on. He picks up his now buttonless shirt and starts to the door. "Sorry," I say again, following him and giving him a kiss. "How about we meet at the bar again tomorrow and finish this?" I smile and kiss him again. But I don't mean it. Tomorrow will be a new bar and a new boy. He nods and walks out the door and towards the stairwell just as Jacob walks out.

"Who's that?" he asks.

"A pupil. He wanted to broaden his artistic abilities."

Jacob raises his eyebrow. "At 3 am?"

"Some people share my eccentric sleeping patterns. What did your parents say when you left?" I quickly change the subject.

"Nothing." He shrugs. "They don't really care."

"Don't they find it at least a little odd that you spend so much of your time with an adult woman?"

"Like I said, they don't really care. And no offence, but you're really not an adult. I mean the numbers say you are and all but…"

"I know," I sigh. "You don't need to list the reasons why, I think it's pretty clear." I sigh and step back, letting him walk into my apartment, trying to suppress the glare I want to use on him. He's really a good kid. And the only friend I have out here. He reminds me of who I could have been at that age. "Get to bed," I say, pushing him towards the couch.

"Not tired," he says, shaking his head as he reclines comfortably on my couch.

"I don't frequently do this, but I'm trying to be a good influence! Work with me here!" I shout, stomping my foot.

"Sometimes I just wish they would get a divorce already," he sighs, looking to the floor.

I sit beside him and wrap my arm around him. "Every couple fights."

"Did your parents fight?"

I copy him and look to the floor. Not even kind of a subject I want to talk about. Parental issues are off limits for me. "Me and my ex boyfriend did." I shrug.

"Well, that's why he's your _ex _boyfriend." He scoffs, sitting back and looking at the ceiling as his hand fall to his sides. He makes a face then turns to me holding my bra in his left hand.

I grab it from him and throw it down the hallway behind me. "I was going to do laundry tomorrow."

"You just did laundry." He raises an eyebrow.

"Well, I have more."

"You do know that your shirt's on backwards and inside out, right?" Jacob smirks.

"Damn it!" I curse, looking down at myself. So much for attempting to be a good role model.

"I'm 14, not 4." He laughs.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some sleep, kid," I say standing up and messing up his hair. "You've got school." He looks up at me, bottom lip sticking out. "No." I shake my head. "I'm supposed to be setting a good example and all that bullshhhhh- You're going."

"Come on!" He throws himself against my couch. "They're still fighting, I can hear them and I'm not going to be able to sleep. School starts in less than five hours. And it's Friday, not like we do anything anyway."

I make a disbelieving face and he nods. "Not fair. I used to have tests every Friday." He continues with the puppy dog look until I fold. "Fine. I'll call you off tomorrow. But don't make a habit of this and don't tell your parents. They hate me enough as is."

"They hate everyone." He shrugs.

"That's where you're supposed to say, no, they don't hate you."

"I thought you told me not to lie." He smirks.

I roll my eyes and laugh, pulling out my pack of cigarettes and lighting one. Jacob copies my actions. "Hey!" I shout, taking his cigarette from him. "I'm not contributing to the delinquency of minors."

"Fine." He shrugs, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out his own pack.

"You're not even in high school yet." I'm such a hypocrite.

"Three more months. I bet you started smoking before high school."

I stop and think, but that really wasn't necessary, of course I was smoking before high school. "Remember how it works? Do as I say, not as I do. I make the mistakes, you learn from them." I pause just in time to hear something shatter. I look to Jacob who puts his head down. Poor kid. His parents are always fighting like this. "Party time," I announce as I stand.

"Beer?" He questions hopefully.

"Maybe later. And by later I mean 7 years. I'll get the munchies, you put on some music."

I pick up a candle, grab the box of graham crackers, a few chocolate bars and the bag of marshmallows, a fork and set them on my coffee table, finally noticing the broken picture frame. A picture of me and my father on my eighth birthday. I take it back, I do have things of value. I clean up the glass, cutting my finger. I watch the crimson blood form on my finger. I fall into a stupor and watch the small river slowly form and run down my hand. I hate blood. I'm such a pussy.

"You've got a lot of CDs," Jacob says, pulling me back to reality.

I shake my head and suck at the blood. "Yeah." I nod, picking up the rest of the glass pieces and throwing them out. "I've got a lot of connections. I get a lot for free. Some people send them to me hoping for an 'in' in the business. I keep them all. I like the variety," I explain as I quickly bandage my finger and sit beside Jacob. He pulls out a CD and I grab it before he can even read it. "Not that one." I shake my head. He opens his mouth but I continue. "There are a lot of memories attached to most of these. Some I just don't want to remember."

He leaves it at that, noticing that I really don't want to continue. He pulls out another CD and I can't hold back my laughter. "Good or bad memory?"

"Neither really. I met them." He stares at me, looking for an explanation. "One of them. The one that sings."

"James?"

"Yeah. Such a pretentious and very horny asshole. I was told he was having a bad day but bad days don't make you pretentious, they make you…what?" I stop when I notice him still staring at me.

"Pretentious is a big word."

"Oh my god! It's more than five letters!" I roll my eyes and put out my cigarette. "You need a dictionary." I mess up his hair again. "Just pick a CD." I crawl back to the table and light the candle. I stick my marshmallow on the fork and stick it in the candle flame. Indoor s'mores. I take my flaming marshmallow out of the fire just as the first notes of music plays.

The sound instantly pulls me in and I am forced to do nothing but pay attention, at least until Jacob starts screaming. "Your carpets on fire!" I forgot about my marshmallow and now its a sticky burning mess on my carpet. I grab a pillow and beat out the fire. I sigh and fall forward into the pillow. "Fucking figures." My voice is muffled by the pillow.

"Just move the table over. No one will ever see it." Jacob shrugs, munching on his s'more.

"No." I shake my head. "I don't care about the fucking carpet. It looked like shit anyway."

"Is it about the CD? Because I figured I'd pick one you didn't want to hear so I just hit play," he explained quickly.

"Oh," I exhale slowly. I'll never get over him. Sure, he's just about the biggest asshole I've ever met but his voice is the only thing that helps me transform a blank canvas. "I'm pathetic."

"I'm gonna go with bad memory for this one?" he asks.

"Depends. There are a lot," I shrug, trying to seem nonchalant.

Jacob shrugs. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really." I shake my head. Jacob walks into the kitchen and back, handing me a beer. I lie on the couch and take a sip. "Jasper, the guitarist was my best friend. And Eddie…Edward," I correct myself, "I dated him."

"Sounds like a good story." Jacob nods attentively. I turn my head to glare at him, noticing that he got a beer for himself too. I watch him make a face as he takes his first sip of beer. I don't even bother trying to stop him. He's too much like me at his age.


	2. 2: Lose Control

**Chapter 2**

**Lose Control**

Jacob keeps dropping hints for me to tell him my story, but I'd rather not. That's a long story with a lot of stuff that a 14-year-old doesn't need to hear. So I fake a yawn, telling him that I've had a long day, I'm actually tired and I am willingly going to bed before the sun comes up. I get him some extra pillows and blankets before locking myself in my bedroom.

I slipped out of my clothes and into bed. I'm not tired. I lied. I just don't want to talk about the old me anymore. But I can't help but think about it. Think about him. Think about that last night I saw him.

XXXXX

I had just been released from a rehab clinic or mental health clinic, they refused to tell me and I could never figure it out myself. I guess it was a little of both. I had spent a month there going insane, but they call it rehabilitation. But when I got home everyone was treating me just as if I had gone on vacation. Nothing scandalous. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just normal. Well, as normal as things could be for all of us.

Edward was the one to pick me up and take me back to our place. The first thing we did is what we did best…have sex. Then despite having gone through a month of therapy and all that rehabilitation bullshit, I started to slip back into my regular pattern. It's not easy to wake up one day and stop being yourself. I could have at least tried, but that was too much work for me. Plus, I didn't know anything else. That was who I had been for…years. I lifted up the floorboard of the closet and pulled out my secret stash. A month clean was a month too long. I had too much time to think about things. But of course I didn't do much thinking. I don't like to do that. Instead, I kept myself busy. I demanded art supplies. That's my way of expressing myself, through art. I had four loves in my life. Mind altering substances, art, Edward and my father. And since three out of the four weren't available to me, I had no other choice. But at least they let me have that one thing. And my therapist loved analyzing all my work. It was all bullshit. I fucking hated him. I was supposed to keep going to therapy after I got home but I didn't. I didn't need someone telling me there was something wrong with me. I already knew that. But before I could fulfill my lust for mind altering substances, we did what we did second best…have an argument.

But then we had to pause for a party. We ignored each other all night. At least until the house had nearly cleared out. Just us and his band. Of course a lot of alcohol was ingested and the guys were passing around a joint. I don't even think they considered not smoking around me. But it didn't matter.

But things started to get ugly again. I guess the argument was inevitable. We could only go so long without fighting. It's all we did. Argue and have sex.

As soon as our voices were raised the band left quickly. They knew what came next: screaming, name-calling and sometimes a touch of domestic violence, but I was usually the one throwing punches. But at least the neighbors never called the cops on us. Maybe they should have. Maybe they needed to place a mandatory restraining order on us. But I don't mean it. As much as I want to hate him. To this day, I still love him. But right then, all I could think about is how angry he was making me and… I threw a beer bottle at his head. But I was drunk and a girl and it showed in my aim as it shattered against the wall.

My head was spinning. But I was used to it. And that made me hate it even more. I don't know why I kept doing that to myself.

A few more nasty words were exchanged and a few more things were broken before I finally stormed upstairs. I threw open the closet door, grabbed my suitcase and threw it onto the bed as I continued to shout. It was all very routine for me. Argue. Shout. Pack a bag. Leave. Find somewhere to stay until I could get my own place. But I never got that far. The longest I stayed away was three and a half weeks. I would sleep on Jasper's couch or one of many men whom I can't remember the names of. But I always found my way back.

But as usual I vowed that time would be different. I was so fucking tired of that game we were always playing where nothing ever changes. I wanted change. I needed change.

He placed his hand on my shoulder and I shook him off. He didn't remember what we were fighting about. Neither did I. But that always happened. The argument itself was never what was important. It always started over something stupid and trivial. But nothing ever got resolved. The issues just kept getting swept under the rug. So we got stuck in a vicious cycle; screaming, shouting, bruising, hating each other and ourselves. It always ended up being the same argument over and over. And the sad fact is, it was the only constant we had. Fighting, then eventually the make up sex. It's probably the only thing that kept us together for those years.

I didn't bother folding any of my clothes, I just threw them into the suitcase. Right then all I wanted to do is get out of there. If I didn't do it quickly, I'd never do it.

"Bells, please," he whined, again he placed his hand on my shoulder as I closed my suitcase.

"Not this time, Edward," I said through clenched teeth, keeping up my angry facade. He knew I meant business when I used his full name, like everyone else. I was the only one who could get away with calling him Eddie. And he was the only one who was allowed to call me by my old nickname. But despite all the signs that I was really angry, all I wanted to do was turn around and hug him, kiss him… but I didn't. I couldn't. I had decided that I was going to leave. And I did.

"Can't we just skip this part?" he sighed, running his slender fingers through his bronzed locks. But I ignored him. I needed to get out of there and I needed to get out then. I threw a few more things into my duffle zipped it up.

"I'll pick up the rest of my things later." I said calmly as I walked past him, toward the door.

"Bells." He followed, trying to convince me to stay. I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed with him and do the one thing that we were better at than fighting. Making up. But it wasn't that easy. It didn't matter that I couldn't remember what we were fighting about. Or that I wasn't even mad anymore. It was just habit.

I opened the front door and walked out, turning around to face him. "Goodbye," I said before placing a kiss on his perfect lips. A kiss that lasted a few seconds longer than I wanted it to. I pulled away slowly but he grabbed my waist and forced his lips to mine and didn't let me break away. So I raised my right hand to slap him. It's really the only way I could get him to listen, that and the fact that it was habit too. But he was expecting it and grabbed my wrist, tightly holding my arm in place. I clenched my jaw and stared into his eyes, my breaths coming in short pants as anger rose from somewhere inside of me. Without breaking eye contact I raised my left hand and smacked him with every once of strength I could muster.

He grabbed his stinging cheek and licked his lips, shaking his head. "I'll see you later," he sighed, leaning against the doorframe as I slowly backed away.

I shook my head and turned away, adjusting my duffle strap on my shoulder. "Not this time," I said softly.

I heard the door slam and glass shatter before I got into my car. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the first number I could think off. Pretty much my only friend I had at the time. And oddly enough, he was the reason me and Edward are together-were together…whatever.

"Yeah?" The voice answered over the loud music in the background.

"Hey, Jasper," I said softly, my words dragging out in the way they only do when I'm drunk and tired and frustrated and… all those other negative emotions.

"Fuck, Bella. I'm not even home yet." He laughed as he turned his stereo down.

"Sorry. It's just…"

He sighed, interrupting me. But he didn't need an explanation. That wasn't the first time I had called him under those circumstances. "Yeah, I know. And you know that you're more than welcome at my place for as long as you need. You have a spare key. My girlfriend doesn't even have a spare key yet."

"Thanks," I said ignoring him talking about his girlfriend. I hadn't met her yet, he seemed to be keeping her a secret. But they never liked me, therefore I never liked them.

"What was it this time?" He asked as I pulled out of the driveway. I couldn't look at the house anymore. He was in there and I was through with him. For good this time.

I sighed. "I don't know."

"Then why are you leaving?"

I groaned in frustration. "I don't know."

"What did you take?" He asked in that surrogate big brother kind of worried tone he always took with me.

"Nothing." I shook my head.

"How much have you had?"

"I didn't do anything. I'm just a little…I had a little to drink. That's all."

"Bella," he sighed again. "I know you." True, Edward and Jasper were the only two people that knew me. And I don't even think Edward knew me as well as Jasper. I had known Jasper longer and he had seen all of my darkest days. "Do you want me to pick you up?" he asked. I love him, but I hate the way he doesn't trust me. And sure, if it weren't for Edward walking in before I could have done anything and I would have probably would passed out by then but still, best friends are supposed to have faith in one another.

"I'll be fine," I sighed.

"You sure?"

"I'll see you in a few." I hung up and sped away. And by sped, I mean really sped. He was just getting out of his car as I pulled in. He was nice enough to carry my stuff in and not harass me for the moment.

I sat on his sofa. It was a nice sofa, good for sleeping. I spent many nights sleeping on it or in his bed, on his floor, in the bathroom, occasionally on his table and once on the outside stairs. "You look like hell," he commented as he handed me some blankets and sat beside me. I grabbed a bottle from my bag and took a long drink. I didn't think I was drunk enough. I never thought I was drunk enough if I was still conscious.

"I feel like hell," I said, wrapping the blankets around my shoulders and resting my head on his shoulder.

"Then why don't you stop?" he asked, taking the bottle from me.

"It's not that easy," I sighed. "This is who I am." I grumbled and reached for my bottle.

"And you can't change who you are?"

I shook my head. "Nothing ever changes. Look at Edward and me. We've been together for six years and we're still the same annoying and dysfunctional couple that we've always been. Change is a foreign concept around here."

I heard a heavy sigh and he put his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. "I know this isn't what you're going to want to hear, but this is my diagnosis." I rolled my eyes and stifled a laugh. "Or I could just not help…" He shrugged, moving away from me.

"No." I pouted, grabbing his hand and pulling him back. "Continue-after you give me back my bottle." I didn't really care what he thought; I just wanted my goddamn alcohol.

He rolled his eyes, shook his head and continued without giving me back my bottle. He always could be a fucking asshole. "Honestly, if you stay here, you're going to die."

"Death is inevitable." I sighed, twisting the white wristband on my left wrist. "In fact, it's the only goal I've set for myself because I know it's the one thing I'll actually be able go achieve."

"You know what I mean." He groaned in frustration. "I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself. You're a creature of habit and the only way for you to break those habits is to just…"

"Start over. I know," I sighed. "But I…this is my life. This is all I have. This is all I've known for…God! I can't just…I love Edward, I do. And…How do you stop being everything you are?"

"Who says this is who you are? You couldn't have always been like this."

"Things change," I said, looking forward, studying his blank wall. I never understood why he kept his space so boring and bare.

"I thought that you said change didn't happen?" He smirked.

I rolled my eyes and put on my angry face. "Will you fucking come off it? I've been this way for the better part of my life. I hardly remember anything before this."

"Bella, I love you and you need help. You nearly killed yourself. You would have if I didn't-"

"I know!" I cut him off. I never liked to talk about my past fuck ups. I don't need to be constantly reminded of all my failures. "And thank you. I love you too but…"

"No more excuses. You need to stop. If you don't get help yourself, I'm going to get help for you."

"I've been through rehab, thank you very much." I rolled my eyes.

"And fucking look at you! You've already started drinking and I'm sure that tomorrow-"

I rolled my eyes. "Save the lecture." I reached into my purse and pulled out a cigarette. I know he hated smoking in his house. But at the time, I didn't fucking care. "I'm a big girl. I know what I'm doing."

He stared at me, eyes growing wide and I wondered what the hell he was so shocked about. He had seen me smoke a million times before. Hell, once upon a time he used to smoke with me. "Listen to yourself, Bella. Do you know who you fucking sound like?"

But I already knew what he was about to say and he needed to be stopped. "Do not dare to finish that statement!" I shouted, pointing my finger at him and blowing a lungful of smoke at him. "I am _nothing_ like her!"

He softened slightly, seeing my demeanor weaken. He knew that was the only thing that would get my attention as well as set me off. And it did. I just never liked to talk about it. I don't think I ever will. "I don't want the same thing to happen to you."

We sat in silence as I finished my cigarette, throwing the butt out the window before he pulled me in for a hug. That was my one mushy moment for the week, probably the month. I never enjoyed the sappy, sentimental crap. "I fucking hate it when you're right." I pouted for three more seconds but decided that it didn't matter if he's right or not. Fuck change! I wasn't changing! I am and always will be incapable of change. Change is highly overrated. I had gotten that far being me so I was just going to keep doing everything my way and fuck everything and everyone else.

After a few minutes of silence he got up, emptied my alcohol bottle into the sink and decided it was time for bed and tried to tuck me in. But I didn't want to sleep on the sofa that night. I didn't want to sleep alone. Like he said, I'm a creature of habit and I have always made a habit of never sleeping alone. I scooted closer to him, my hand resting high on his thigh as my lips found the sensitive spot on his neck.

"Fuck, Bella. I have a girlfriend," he protested.

I'm selfish. I didn't care. She was bound to hate me like all the rest. "That's never stopped you before." All of his girlfriends had to live with our arangement. We were best friends with occasional benefits.

He finally decided that arguing with me and took my hand, leading me into his bed. "Just keep your hands to yourself," he pleaded, crawling under the covers. I just smirked. "Seriously, Bella. Don't mess this up for me." He looked at me, his eyes filled with sincerity. "I really like this one."

I heeded his warning and kept to myself. I could tell when Jasper was lying and when he wasn't. And under most circumstances I wouldn't listen but this is Jasper we're talking about. He's the one person that actually gives a shit about me so I might as well return the favor every once in awhile. Within minutes he was asleep and I was bored. I'm a night person. I could be up all night and sleep all day if I could. It's usually what I do too. It used to drive Edward crazy. I've always done all my work late at night and he would complain that he couldn't sleep. I already missed him. I probably would have gone back to him the next afternoon.

Another hour of tossing and turning forced me to get out of bed and find something to entertain myself. I quietly got out of bed and closed his bedroom door behind me as I walked into the living room, turning on the light. I dug through my purse in search of my cigarettes, hearing my phone beeping softly. 1 new voice message.

I listened to it and felt sick as I hung up the phone and looked for something to break, finding nothing, I simply opened the window and threw my phone outside. I wasn't satisfying enough. Sure, I knew he could be a dick. But I never imagined he could be that big of a dick. I left and hours later he had a new woman (or from the giggling in the background, two women) in our bed.

He was the emo kid that sat at home and moped and cried. I was the stupid fuck up that got shitfaced and made all the mistakes. It's kind of how we worked. I fuck up, he writes a song about it. It all worked out in the end. But…fuck. I didn't want to deal with it. Jasper may have gotten rid of my alcohol but I knew him. He had some stashed around there somewhere. And I found it easily. I got a case of beer out of his refrigerator and quickly drank a beer, throwing the empty bottle out the window and listening to the shattering glass with satisfaction. But who did I think I was kidding? A little bit of alcohol wasn't ever going to make me feel better. I did more than that on a good day. So I dug through my stuff and gathered everything else I needed for my one woman party.

Before long I was well beyond fucked up. There was a really annoying buzzing in my head that wouldn't go away and the walls seemed to be moving. It almost looked like they were alive. It was creepy. It was kind of making me nauseous. I tried to stand but the floor seemed to be moving too and I just found myself falling face first into the carpet. I prayed I wouldn't have rug burn on my face in the morning but it wouldn't be the first time if I did. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I got a small sense of satisfaction when I realized that the ceiling was falling. But I wasn't scared. Like I said before, death is inevitable. I thought about warning Jasper and telling him to get out before he got squished but I was sure that he'd be fine, he was in another room with another ceiling. I was sure it was just God saying 'I fucking hate you. Just fucking die and go to hell already'. And I was fucking ready. I uncapped the last bottle and chugged it, nearly choking. But I then I had nothing left to do, the party was over, so I just closed my eyes and wait for the ceiling to crush me.

XXXXX

Needles to say, I didn't die. But I almost wish I had. Things would have been so much simpler that way.

Jasper made good on his promise. He got me an apartment all the way across the fucking country and that's where the story ends… or begins, it all depends on your perspective.

I rolled onto my side, hugging a pillow tightly. I fucking hate sleeping alone.


	3. 3: To Be Young

**Chapter 3**

**To Be Young**

I hug the pillow tighter when I feel someone shaking me. I groan and try to ignore them, hoping they'll just go away but no such luck. Persistent motherfucker. I sit up, my eyes not opening yet. "Fuck!" I hear Jacob curse.

"Watch your mouth," I groan and rub my eyes. "It's too fucking early to swear." But I finally open my eyes and get it. "Fuck." It's never too early to swear. I grab the pillow and hold it up to my bare chest, an uneasy smile settling on my face. I do not appreciate being woken up less than an hour after falling asleep. And flashing the underage neighbor kid isn't good either.

He finally tears his vision away from me and stares at the floor, kicking idly. "I, uh, ummm… school." He stutters, licking his lips. "You need to-to-to call. Tell them I-I'm not coming. I got the boobs-" his eyes grow wide and his cheeks turn a bright shade of crimson. He's so adorable. I smirk and raise my eyebrow. "Flu!" He corrects himself quickly. "Tell them I got the flu."

I shake my head and laugh. "It's not like it's the first time you've seen boobs before."

"Not yours!" he shouts and I pull the sheet up to cover myself some more and throw the pillow at him. "And just fake ones," he holds his hands out, as if he's grabbing an invisible pair in front of him, "like not real ones. Well, some of them I'm sure were real. But just in pictures. Not the real thing. Not in your face up close and personal kind…" I keep laughing as he continues to ramble about boobs. "Fuck! You get what I'm saying." He finally stops and turns around and walks out of my room, slamming the door.

I quickly pull my hair back in a claw clip and throw on jeans and a T-shirt then call Jacob's school pretending to be his mother then make my way out to find Jacob making French toast. "Aren't you tired?" I ask through a yawn as I sit at the table.

"Not everyone sleeps twelve hours every night." He rolls his eyes.

"I get the same amount of sleep as you, just at a different time." I nod, sipping the glass of orange juice he poured for me. It's kind of nice having the kid around. He puts a plate of food in front of me and I pick at it. I'm not much of a breakfast eater; I usually sleep until after noon but this is nice.

He continues to make small talk and I finally notice he's got some music playing in the background and I can't help but smile as his sweet voice fills my head. "Hmmm?" He asks with a mouthful.

"Nothing." I shake my head. "Just the music."

"Oh. Well, you said you were friends with them so I figured I should listen. Maybe learn something about them." He shrugs. "You seemed pretty upset about it all last night so I figured… I don't know. You got to have someone watch your back." I roll my eyes and throw some food at him. Sure it's weird that he's a decade younger than me but I've never had a friend be this… caring. My smile grows then quickly turns to a laugh as the next song begins. "What now?"

"Just the song." I shrug. "It reminds me of…" I trail off but his pleading eyes force me to finish. "It reminds me of the first time I met Edward.""

He listens for a second then looks to me. "Really? All I thought it was about was a horny drunk girl." I lower my head too ashamed to admit to my old New York friend that it is about a horny drunk girl and that I am her. But he seems to pick up on that. "Wow. So you're like famous."

"Shut up," I groan. "It's losely based on the first time we met. I guess I made a good impression. Better than I thought I did if he wrote a song about it."

"Details!" Jacob shouts. "It sounds like a good story."

"It is." I nod, getting up and putting my dishes in the kitchen. "Maybe I'll tell you all about in a few years."

"That good of a story?" He nods curiously. He waits for an answer but I don't give him one. "How bad can it be?" He pauses again but I keep silent. "Come on, I've already seen your boobs so what else could there be to shock me?"

"Plenty." I smirk and turn up the music before walking into my office and sitting on the stool in front of a blank canvas.

XXXXX

It was two weeks until the end of my junior year of high school and as usual, my aunt and uncle were out of town and a party was forming at the house. I didn't know half of the people that showed up but it didn't matter, I liked being surrounded by people. It made me feel like maybe someone actually cared. All those people surround me, someone had to care. Or at least it was nice to pretend for a few hours. People didn't like me because I had a great personality or because I was even remotely likeable, they liked me because I had the best parties, because I had the most money, because I had the biggest name. No one ever really cared about me.

The party was half over, I was more than half drunk and Jasper still hadn't shown up. He had rehearsal with the band he was playing with. He'd filled in for them for over a month before they finally asked him to join. I still hadn't met them. He was being very secretive about it. I never understood why. I never thought I was the kind of friend you kept secret. I was the one everyone bragged about knowing.

"Hey," a voice shouted from behind. I turned around to see Jasper and two other guys standing behind them. I wrapped my arms around him and he spun me around.

"Hey." I nodded in acknowledgement of the band. They just nodded and mumbled some responses. Jasper introduced me to everyone knowing that it would be pointless, I was already buzzed. I nodded and tried to remember their names… Edward and Emmett. Two shouldn't be too bad to remember. But a few more drinks and it would just be hopeless. "Beer's…everywhere. Make yourselves at home." I smiled and finished my drink and offered to get drinks for everyone else. They all nodded and I asked for help, but Jasper was suddenly engrossed in what my cousin, Angela, had to say and I rolled my eyes. Edward stepped forward and followed me inside. "So, Eddie…" I spoke in a gentle slur as I sized him up. He was by far the most attractive man I had laid eyes on. And it wasn't all because of the alcohol. He had radiant green eyes that seemed to look deep into your soul. Perfectly tousled bronze locks. A magnificent build; sleek and athletic body below an angelic face.

"Edward," he corrected me quickly. I shrugged, filling a plastic cup and handing it to him. "I don't like Eddie."

"Well, I don't like calling people by their full names." I shrugged. "No one ever uses my full name. Takes too much effort. We live in a lazy society and that is the one thing I have conformed to doing." He laughed as I filled a cup for myself and jumped up onto the counter. "Well, Eddie," I emphasized with a large smirk, watching him cringe. "What do you say we forget about those guys and party on our own?" He looked up at me kind of like I was crazy but then smiled and nodded, jumping up with me.

"I take it Bella, isn't your full name then," he asked after taking a long drink.

I shook my head and chugged my drink. "Isabella." I leaned across the counter, reaching for a pack of cigarettes someone left.

"Is that real?" he asked suddenly.

"What?" I asked, turning back to him, placing a cigarette between my lips.

"The tattoo," he said, his fingers falling to the small of my back and gently tracing it.

I nodded. "Yeah." I pulled a lighter from my pocket and slowly lit my cigarette as I leaned forward to let him look at it better. "I forget about it sometimes. I've had it for awhile."

"How old are you?" he asked, as I leaned back to look at him.

"Seventeen." I furrowed my brow and stared at the tiles of the floor. "I got it right after I turned fourteen."

"Your parents let you?" He looked at me in amazement.

I shook my head and shifted my weight uncomfortably, taking a long drag of my cigarette. "My father died when I was seven and… I don't think my guardians know about it." There was an awkward moment of silence. The kind you always get when someone mentions the death of someone close to them and you don't know what to say.

"Why a bird?" He asked, finally breaking the silence, leaving me relived that he didn't give me any of that fake sympathy bullshit.

"A swan." I nodded with a smile, pushing my hair behind my ear. "It's for my father. It's was his last name before he changed it. His agent told him that Swan didn't sound like a rock star last name or whatever. I changed my name back after he died. I wanted to hold onto something that helped me remember him as my dad not as the famous rock star." I sipped on my drink, my smile fading. "He was a great musician but an even better father. And he did an amazing job at keeping the two separate. At first it was confusing but he had this way of letting me know when it was our time together. Back then I was always known as Isabella, I decided on Bella after he died. And when he was done working and ready to be nothing more than a father to me, he would call me Bells. It was stupid but as a kid…I don't know, it made me feel special."

"It's a nice." He smiled at me, tucking some stray hair behind my ear.

I looked away from him. "No one calls me that anymore."

"No one calls me Eddie either." He shrugged. I ignored the comment. No one got away with calling me Bells. Not since my father died. Jasper learned that lesson quickly. He had gotten one warning then one punch. He got it after that.

We talked and consumed several drinks in a few minutes before I heard yelling coming from the next room, followed by the sound of shattering glass then cheering. I didn't really care but the noise was annoying so I jumped off the counter, landing wrong and twisting my ankle. But I was too drunk for it to really hurt, it was more tingly than anything. But Edward jumped down, wrapped his arm around my waist and helped me walk anyway. "Let's get away from all the…people. It's giving me a headache," I whined as Edward helped me out the front door.

We walked past Angela, who was throwing up in the bushes, Jasper holding her hair back for her. I stopped walking and climbed onto the hood of one of the cars in the driveway.

"So tell me something about yourself, Eddie."

"I'm in a band." He shrugged, climbing up with me.

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "Tell me something I don't know."

"Uh, I sing and play the guitar and piano." We lied back and stared at the night sky. "What about you?"

"My father was the musician of family."

He turned his head to look at me. "Yeah, you mentioned something in the kitchen..."

"It always surprises me that Jasper fails to tell people about me." I don't know why I did what I did next. I liked it when people didn't know who I was. But he had to be an alright guy if Jasper liked him. And I felt a strange connection to him. I held out my hand and introduced myself. "Bella Swan but once upon a time I was known as Isabella Legend daughter of the late Charlie Legend."

Edward's eyes grew wide, he noticed the name immediately. Most people do. They all still sing along to the songs. Everyone knows the story. Everyone loves a good heart retching tale. It made the band infamous. I don't think they would still be remembered if it weren't for the incident. But it's not something I enjoy talking about often and thankfully, some guy came stumbling past and I stole his bottle of alcohol and took a long drink. It didn't matter what it was. I just wasn't near drunk enough at the moment. But within fifteen minutes I was. And he was still talking and I didn't care anymore. So I did the one thing that I knew would make him shut up. I leaned in and placed my lips to his.

He shut up, for the minute the kiss lasted. But as soon as my fingers reached his belt buckle he pulled away trying to be chivalrous and not 'take advantage of me in my current state of mind'. I tried to change his mind. It was what I was used to. Everyone used me. Why should he be any different? I leaned in for another kiss but he turned his head away. I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Fuck you!" I shouted, jumping off the hood of the car, leaving him behind. I heard him jump down and call my name after me but I didn't listen. I stumbled over to Jasper, grabbed him and kissed him in that hard, sloppy drunk way. Jasper forgot all about babysitting Angela as she lie passed out in the front lawn and returned the kiss. I opened my eyes and watched as Edward stared. He missed his chance. I smiled through the kiss and grabbed Jasper by the belt loops, leading him into the house and into my bedroom.

XXXXX

I looked at the painting in front of me. I guess I should have known that the relationship wouldn't work out from the way that first night went. But I couldn't help it. Edward… he's just… there is no way to describe it. I love him. And for some fucked up reason, we just worked.


	4. 4: The Thin Line

**Chapter 4**

**The Thin Line**

I didn't realize how long I had spent in my office until Jacob came in complaining about being hungry. "You eat too much," I sigh, cleaning my brushes.

"You don't eat enough." He shrugs, poking my arm as he admired my work. "You should sell these."

"Who would buy them?" I scoff as I finish cleaning up my mess.

"I would."

I roll my eyes. "You don't need to buy them. You can have whatever-well, almost whatever you want for free."

"Right now all I want is lunch," he groans. "I'm starving." He exaggerates, collapsing onto my floor and rolling into the fetal position.

I stand over him and put my arms out. "Anyone ever tell you you're annoying."

"Everyday," he says, grabbing my hands and pulling himself up. "But I'm much less annoying once fed." He follows me out of the apartment and out into the street. "Your car is right there." He reminds me, pointing it out as if I've forgotten what it looks like.

"I know." I nod but keep walking. I feel like walking. It's nice out.

He groans and I can picture him rolling his eyes and making faces behind me. "This isn't helping the agonizing pain in my stomach as it eats itself!" he shouts. The kid is such a drama queen.

After five minutes of walking we finally arrive at some place that Jacob must like because he goes running in. Minutes later, our order has been taken and Jacob is continuing to complain about being hungry. I pull out my pack of cigarettes and offer one to Jacob, maybe that'll shut him up. It didn't really, but it got him to stop complaining. "So tell me a story."

I take a long drag of my cigarette and stare at him. "I don't know any stories," I say with a shrug. He blinks a few times, using that stupid I-know-you're-lying glare. "Well, no age appropriate ones."

Jacob sighs dramatically and hits his head against the countertop. "I'm not a child."

"The law disagrees," I point out.

"There is no law that says you can't tell me a story," he insists, sipping on his water.

"What are the chances of you giving up on this before our food comes?" I ask, cocking my head to the side.

He plasters a victorious smirk on his face. "None."

"What do you want to hear?" I sigh heavily, extinguishing my cigarette and staring at him.

"How'd you and Eddie m-"

"Edward," I correct as I rub my eyes.

He rolls his eyes and starts over. "How'd you and _Edward _meet?"

"Party," I nod and answer simply.

He makes a face. "What are the chances of you telling me more about it?"

I copy his prior victorious smirk. "None."

He nods and puts out his cigarette. "Why'd you guys break up?"

I shake my head and smile. "We're both competitive and young and stupid and destructive and too similar yet too different at the same time."

He blinks a few times. "And in English that means…"

"Some day you'll understand. You'll meet a girl that you will love so much it drives you insane and she'll feel the same way. And regardless of how much you love each other it won't work out. Because you put two insane people together and… in the end it just doesn't work."

"Why?" He shrugs. "If you love each other, why doesn't it work?"

"Love is…complicated. And you can't understand it until you experience it." I pause for a second not knowing what else to say but knowing that he either doesn't believe a word I've said or he just doesn't get it. "You know you can love someone and hate them at the same time." He furrows his brow in confusion. "That was me and Eddie. I'm pretty sure he hated me more than he loved me, but that's really not the point." I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "Sometimes I loved him so much I hated him. And sometimes I hated him so much I loved him." He stares at me blankly and I think I've confused him even more. "Hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. If you hate someone, you still care about them enough to have feelings for them. Very strong feelings. Hate and love are very similar. They go together like cake and ice cream, peanut butter and jelly." He still has that bewildered look on his face. It makes sense in my head! "Kind of like a quarter. Two completely different sides, but you can't have one without the other. One side alone is just…meaningless."

"You're either insane or brilliant." Jacob shakes his head.

"I like to think I'm a little of both." I smile.

"So this love/hate thing…it's kind of like my parents?"

I bite my lip and shrug my shoulders. "Maybe." He runs his fingers through his hair and rests his elbows on the countertop and puts his chin in his hand. I sigh, he's got the face again. "Confused or enlightened?"

He opens his mouth and exhales heavily. "I'm not sure."

I shake my head and smile as the waitress sets our food in front of us. It all makes perfect sense to me, but then again, I'm the one who's been through it all.

XXXXX

My hands were making quick even strokes onto the sketchpad, the charcoal sketch beginning to come to life as I sang along to the music blaring from my headphones. As usual I had been too wrapped up my art and distracted by the music to hear the door to my office open. I had nearly jumped out of my chair when Edward wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. I hung my headphones around my neck and turned to glare at him.

I had just gotten back from spending a week sleeping on Jasper's couch the day before and we had already had an argument that morning. Apparently I had been distracting him from his music. He locked himself in his office, not coming out all day. Not even for lunch or a bathroom break, nothing. All I heard was the annoying sound of his stupid voice over his stupid fucking piano. Undoubtedly writing songs about how his girlfriend is an awful person and how much he hates everything. But now, he seemed very eager to make up. And that is the last thing in my mind right now. All I want to do is be angry and continue with my art.

I pushed him away and turned back to my sketch. He didn't get the message as his arms wrapped themselves around me again. "Did you get your song?" I asked coldly as I continued to draw.

"Yes. Several. Thanks to my muse. I love you," he mumbled, his lips brushing against my neck again. I rolled my eyes and exhaled loudly. I hated being interrupted. And I hated it when he used me like that. But I just kept pushing him away but he kept coming back.

"So things are back to normal now?" I asked, moving away to keep his lips off me. "You're back to being too happy?"

"Only when I'm around you." I scoffed, rolling my eyes and ignoring him. "What's wrong now, Bells?" He asked taking a step back. I just turned around and went back to my sketch. "Quit ignoring me, Bells."

"Stop calling me that!" I shouted, finally standing up.

"What did I do now?" He laughed, fingers running through his hair. I again chose to ignore him and put my headphones back on. But he promptly pulled them off. "Bells."

"I told you to stop calling me that!" I shouted, whipping around to glare at him.

"What's wrong?" He asked, sympathy now filling his eyes. "Another appeal?"

I shook my head. "The appeals are over. They were over before I met you."

"Then what's wrong with you?"

"Me?" I shouted. "Why is there always something wrong with me?" I stood and walked out, heading towards the bedroom to pack my bag.

He grabbed my arm and spun me around. "I didn't mean it like that. I just-"

"Don't." I rolled my eyes and shrugged his arm off. I decided that packing a bag would take too long so I simply brushed past him and ran down the stairs.

"Stop acting like a child," he shouted, chasing me down the stairs. "I really hate it when you act like this," he sighed.

"Act like what? I haven't done anything! You're the one-"

"Bells, please." And that was it. He had gotten two warnings. More than anyone ever does. I raised my hand and slapped him, black fingerprints left on his cheek from the charcoal residue on my fingers.

"I fucking hate you," I spat over my shoulder, as my hand gripped the doorknob.

His hands landed on my waist, I turned back to slap him again but he grabbed my hand before it could make contact. He grabbed my other hand and held them over my head. I recoiled, my breaths coming in short pants. "Stay," he said slowly, his free hand reaching under my skirt and sliding my panties down my legs, his lips on my neck. "I love you," he whispered softly into my ear before his lips crashed against mine in a hungry kiss.

My tongue plunged into his mouth, deepening the kiss as he dropped my hands that quickly fell to his waist. I unzipped his pants and reached into his boxers, freeing him. His strong hands grabbed my hips and he hoisted me up, pushing me against the wall before lowering me onto himself. God, did I love making up.

XXXXX

When I started paying attention, Jacob was talking again. Surprise, surprise. "I think I've got an idea about what you were saying. A _very_ small idea." He nods uneasily. "And I am not looking forward to growing up and dating and falling in love. You make it sound so…so…unpleasant."

I roll my eyes. "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," I quote. I don't know if I really believe it, but hey, maybe the kid will have better luck than I did.

"Enough of the deep shit." He shrugs. "Most memorable moment?"

I suck in my bottom lip. "I-Hmmm." I laugh nervously, rubbing my chin. "Like, the most memorable or one of those happy memorable things?"

"Is there a difference?" He shrugs.

My laughter starts again and I pull out another cigarette. "A big one." He looks at me curiously. "You're treading on deep shit territory so be careful." My hand shakes slightly as I light my cigarette. Where is the stupid bitch with our food? I crane my neck and look around finding her talking to another waitress in the corner. I can still feel Jacob's eyes on me. "Don't even bother asking me to explain because I won't."

Jacob amazingly sits in silence until I finish my cigarette. "My eighth birthday party," I say softly. Jacob furrows his brow. I smile as the waitress checks in, dropping off our order. "Me and my father spent the entire day together, doing normal stuff. I never got that. He…he was in a band. They toured a lot. I always got to go with him. He always said that he had two jobs, being a rock star and being a father and he'd choose being my father any day. And he would have. He nearly did when I was five. He didn't want to spend too much time away from home…touring and all that, when I was at school. But I wouldn't let him quit. He loved it too much and I knew that. So we worked out a compromise. I got a tutor and I went on tour with him. A lot of people said it was a mistake, bringing a child into that sort of environment but…nothing about my life was normal. My parents got married at seventeen, right after that I was born. I guess her parents made them or something. It's the only thing I can come up with. I mean they were fighting practically all the time and couldn't really stand to be near each other…" I trail off, noticing that I've stayed off topic, as usual.

I look over at Jacob, noticing he's almost finished his lunch and I haven't done anything but poke at mine. I push my plate away and Jacob takes it. How can that kid eat so much and not gain weight? "It was just me and my father. My mother stayed at the hotel, she said she wasn't feeling well." I make a face and slowly tear my napkin. "Me and my father went to see a movie and played miniature golf, he got me ice cream. He wore this big ugly hat and stupid sunglasses and these hideous tight green pants." My mouth curls into a smile as I remember. "Stuff that a lot of celebrities do to keep from getting noticed but I think it was more for our amusement than anything. People still recognized him. He told every single person that asked for his autograph that I just turned eight and made them wish me a happy birthday." I sighed and took a sip of water. "When we got back to the hotel my mother wasn't there, it didn't surprise me. But my father tucked me in and got out his guitar. He had written a special song for me. He sang me to sleep with it." I bit my lip, nearly breaking the skin. "I was the only one who ever heard that song. That is the last happy truly happy memory I have."

"The last?" He asks skeptically with a mouthful of food.

I nod and stare at my hands. I refuse to elaborate. "The world just stopped being happy. But I guess that's what happens when…" I trailed off hearing my cell phone ring. I sigh, silently thankful that I didn't have to continue, and look at my caller ID. Asshole. I smile remembering changing Jasper's name after our last conversation. "No, I haven't broken any laws or promises this week." Jacob looks at me strangely and I shrug. "Anything else?"

"We're recording our next album." He sounds excited.

"Congratulations." I smile, trying to sound enthusiastic. I don't know if I pull it off but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Guess where we're going to be?"

I sigh, pausing for a second to pretend to think. "Alaska?"

"Good guess, but no." He laughs. "New York."

"Oh." I sighed. "Don't they usually do that stuff in LA or something."

"There are studios all around Bella. We meet up with this new guy Carlisle, he's like a God on the guitar. I've learned so much from him. He's joining us for this next album and he knows this really great studio in the city."

"That's nice," I sigh.

"What? Don't you miss me?" I did. But the thought of the band and…Edward here. In New York. My town. Even if I hate it really isn't my town so I kind of hate it with a passion but it's _my _goddamn town. The one this I have without him. I thought he moved me out here to keep me away from my old bad habits and Edward?

Ohhh, I get it now. "So this is my warning to hide in my apartment and keep to myself." I nod, exhaling heavily. "Thanks, Jazz. I'll do that. Talk to you later." I quickly hang up and rest the phone on the table.

Seconds later my phone started to ring again and I ignored it. "Aren't you going to get that?" Jacob asked as he stared at my phone.

"Nope." I shook my head. A full minute passed and the ringing didn't stop. Jacob rolls his eyes and reaches for it. My eyes grow wide as I glare at him, trying to convey the message that he better put it back. But he answers it anyway. And when I lunge at him he simply runs and ducks into the men's bathroom. Stupid little shit.

I lean against the wall and cross my arms against my chest, waiting to attack as soon as he got out. If we weren't in such a public place I'd simply walk in but I'm already getting dirty looks. I ignore them and glare right back. When he doesn't come out within thirty seconds, I kick the door and keep it propped open with my foot. "Jake," I yell in a whisper. "Get your ass out here and give me back my phone!" I put my ear up to the crack and listened but hear nothing but mumbling. "You have three seconds before I come in there and kick your ass!" I let out an angry sigh. "One…" But I was interrupted when the door swung open and I stumbled forwards, into another man. One that I did not know. "Sorry," I say softly, brushing off his shirt and smiling sweetly. "My brother…" I gesture to the men's room. He just smiles awkwardly and walks past me quickly. "One, tw-" But Jacob walks out and hands me my phone. "He's going to call you and have you pick him up from the airport when his flight gets in."

"And that will be…?"

"Tomorrow." He shrugs. "By the way," he starts off turning around to look at me, "Why does he call you Bella?"

Fuck me. "That's my name. Well, it was. I decided to go by Izzy when I moved. It's kind of a long story. Can we leave yet?" I snap at him angrily. I need a drink.


	5. 5: White Wedding

**Chapter 5**

**White Wedding**

I sigh heavily and glance at the clock. How long does it take to get to a car? I didn't feel like going through the hassle of actually going into the airport. The pick up/drop off area is always such a disaster. So Jasper has to come to me. It's not like I even agreed to pick him up. A 14-year-old decided for me. I turn up my music. Metal. It relaxes me; odd, I know, but it works. I flip the visor down and stare at my reflection making sure my makeup is okay. I don't know what's wrong with me. I changed four times before finally settling on the first outfit I had picked out. I'm not usually like this. And it's only Jasper. He's seen me at my very worst. Maybe that's why I want to look my best. I want to prove to him that I'm doing alright.

I tap my fingers impatiently on the steering wheel and look at the clock again. His flight was supposed to have gotten in an hour ago and I know it wasn't delayed. I checked before I left home. I didn't want to be in this situation. I'm an impatient person. I don't feel like waiting, best friend or not. And I've been waiting for far too long. The sun already set and I have nothing to do, I'm in a car after all. And I have to drive home.

Just as I was about to search for my cell and call the inconsiderate bastard, the passenger door opens and Jasper collapses inside. He rests his head back and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. I glance outside and see nothing. No one following behind or shouting about not getting in a car with me. Not what I was expecting. "Where are the rest of the guys?" I ask softly, unsure of whether I feel relieved or disappointed.

"Home," he sighs, eyes still closed. "Recording doesn't start for a few weeks. I just wanted to see you." He smiles then yawns and I decide to pause the conversation and let him nap. I know they've all been busy since I left. Just because I'm not there and say I hate them all, it doesn't mean that I don't actually care any more.

Jasper woke up several minutes before we got back to my place but he didn't say anything. He just turned his head away from me and watched the scenery pass out his window. When we get inside my apartment he threw his bag into the corner and sat on my couch.

I sit beside him and wait for him to say something but he doesn't. A few minutes pass and he still hasn't said anything. It makes me nervous. He usually isn't like this. So I guess he either has some bad news to deliver or he's still mad at me. I don't like either option. So I do what always seems to ease the tension between us and I've wanted to do it since he got into my car. I climb into his lap and press my lips to his. And not that I've-missed-you kiss that friends always share. It was that kind of kiss that always leads to more. I never understood why I ended up hooking up with Edward instead of him. We never had a problem being more than friends.

As the kiss depends I play the hem of his shirt and he pulls away, shaking his head. "I can't do this," he says breathing heavily.

"You were doing just fine." I smile, waiting for him to continue but he just sits still and silent. I sigh heavily and lean back. "What's the problem?"

"Alice," he says looks at me dumbly.

I roll my eyes and smile, my fingers tracing his belt buckle. "A girl?" I laugh. "That's never stopped you before."

"This girl is different," he says, rubbing his eyes. "I think we need to talk."

I ignore him and shake my head slowly. "Talking is highly overrated," I say. I smile seductively, I know it's hard for him to resist. He's like me, and most of the world. He enjoys the touch of another human being. No shame in that. And I'd like to distract him by pressing my lips to his. No good conversation starts with 'we need to talk'.

"I'm engaged!" he shouts, pushing me away promptly. I fall awkwardly to the floor.

"Engaged," I breathed as I got to my feet. "Wow. For how long?"

"About a week." He shrugs.

I shake my head and laugh. Not the happy funny kind of laugh, the angry I need to laugh or shoot you in the face kind. "My best friend has been fucking engaged for a week and didn't think to tell me?" I shout as I stand. "Why, Jasper? Why?" I rub my forehead, trying to make sense of this person I used to call best friend, sitting in front of me. He opens his mouth but doesn't say anything and that's when a flood of memories washes over me. I gasp then promptly clasp my hands over my mouth and my eyes grow wide. "You knocked her up!" I turn around, seething like a pouting child whose parents won't buy them the new toy they want.

"Bella," he pleads, knowing it will be useless. I'm already mad; nothing he can say is going to change that. He just has to wait until my anger turns from him to myself then for me to pour my heart out into a painting and then silently cry myself to sleep.

"It's Izzy now." I shrug. "I'm a new person. I thought I deserved a new name. Have you seen my fucking purse?" I shout as I kick his bags and he walks over to me.

"Damn it, Bella. Calm down. I haven't even said anything yet!" But I continue to ignore him as I pick the fuzz off my white wrist band. "Stop running away every time there is a problem," he shouts, calling me out. But I keep ignoring him because running away is the only safe option I have right now. It's not like he'll let me get fucked up when I'm supposed to be in recovery. "Will you just listen to me?"

I gnaw on my fingers and turn to him. "Why? You waited a week to tell me all this shit. I think I can justifiably make you wait a week. Where is my fucking purse?"

"This isn't even about me anymore is it?" I scoff, my eyes still scanning the room for my purse. "I still know you and all those little quirks you have. You're playing with that stupid little wristband…" He starts, but I've heard enough and I finally located my purse.

"Fuck you!" I shout as loud as I possibly can, grab my purse and slam the door behind me. I rest my back against the wall and close my eyes, slamming my head agaist the wall a few times. I hear a door open and turn my head slowly finding Jacob peering at me. He opens his mouth but I hold up my hand. "Now is not the time." I push myself from the wall and skip down the stairs.

XXXXX

I had gotten tired of living with my Aunt and Uncle, who just used me for the checks they were supposed to use to raise me but they thought they were better put to use supporting all their bad habits, so I had contacted my lawyer and by my seventeenth birthday I had been emancipated.

Several months after my emancipation, Edward turned 18 and somewhere after that was our first fight. We had only been broken up for two weeks before we learned the fine art of making up. But it never took long for more problems to surface.

I was sitting on my apartment floor dressed in nothing but an oversized T-shirt of his and panties, my knees cradled to my chest. I had practiced what I was going to say to him for hours, but nothing ever sounded right. I heard the key turn in the lock and I held my breath. He looked at me, surprise evident in his eyes as he took a few steps towards me. I didn't even give him a chance to speak. I forgot the entire speech I had memorized and I just blurted out exactly what was on my mind. "I'm pregnant." I pointed to the small white stick resting on the counter.

After a few minutes of bewildered silence we finally began discussing the situation. I was surprised that he was as calm as he was about everything, I sure as hell hadn't been. But somehow things progressed to the extreme and we headed towards city hall. I don't know why we thought marriage would be a good idea. We were young and stupid, I guess. Little did we know that even though I had been emancipated, I still needed my guardian's permission. But we never got that far anyway.

Apparently we hadn't been the only ones with that bright idea that day. I wandered off to the bathroom and on my way back I heard a voice call from behind me. "Looks like I'm not the only one who had to rush here to stop a friend from making a stupid decision." The man smirked. It took a second, but I finally placed the face. Me and him had been rather close when me and Edward were fighting. "Successful?"

"I-I-uh." I stammered, then laughed nervously playing with the drawstring on my pants.

"I'll take that as a no." He laughed, his strong hands gripping my arms. "Me either." He licked his lips and took a step closer to me. That should have been my cue to leave and find Edward but instead I batted my eyelashes and smiled. "I had fun last week."

I bit my lip and nodded as he took a step closer but I didn't move away. "I did too."

"You know, this night doesn't have to be a total bust, we can always go back to your place." He rubbed my arms gently and took another step forward.

"So I guess the wedding's off."

I turned around and found Edward's face painted in a look of disappointment. "Eddie," I breathed but he ignored me and stormed away. I began to chase him as I tried to formulate an excuse. I was simply being polite. It wasn't like I was intentionally flirting…or was I? Maybe I was looking for an excuse not to get married.

I opened my mouth ready to apologize (the only time I would have), ready to tell him the truth of how I really spent my time when we were apart, but I didn't get the chance. He was already across the street and I was still in the middle of it, as a car was speeding down the street. And the biggest problem was, it wasn't slowing down. And for some reason my feet refused to move me out of the way.

Edward apologized as soon as I had woken up. Not that he needed too. He didn't do anything. I was the idiot that stood in the middle of the road and let myself get hit by a car.

There wasn't really any talk of the almost marriage after that. We kind of just treated it like it never happed, like we do with all our fights. Everything just got swept under the rug and brought up next time. I was told I had gotten off lucky; I was alive after all. No life threatening issues. I had a concussion, some internal bleeding, a few broken ribs and some scrapes and bruises.

But the worst part is, we didn't need to go through any of this. The only reason we were there was to get married. And the only reason that sounded like a good idea was the baby. And there was no baby. It was just a mistake. A stupid false positive. I never told anyone, I just let them believe I lost the baby in the accident. There was some internal bleeding after the accident. I needed surgery to stop the hemorrhaging and there were complications and the doctors told me that I had a 10% chance of being able to have children. I should have been mad and I should have sued but I just couldn't bring myself up to care. It's not like I needed children anyway. I don't need to be responsible for another person's life; just something else to fuck up.

That was really where my downward spiral started. Sure, I was a mess before but it was a controlled youthful rebellion that was product of a troubled childhood. I could have stopped it all if I wanted, I just didn't have the desire too. But after the accident it all changed. I was a slave to my addictions and I had a lot of them. I had gotten a prescription for pain pills when I was released, they hardly lasted me the week. Edward moved in with me and everything started causing a fight. I started doing more drugs and making a series of bad decisions that should have led to my death.

XXXXX

Later that evening I bounce up the stairs and into my apartment. Jasper was sitting on the couch, smiling broadly as he talked on my phone. As soon as he saw me he got off the phone and I prance over to him. "What'd you do?" He asks suspiciously.

I just let my smile widen as I start to hum and grab his hands, dancing around the room. He stares into my eyes and I shrug. "You'll say it's stupid." He flashes a look of disappointment and I shake my head. "Not that kind of stupid." He has such little faith in me. "I bought a shop." I shrug and spin. "I walked past it and I just thought it would be perfect for me. It would give me something to do, I get bored doing nothing all day. But I could store stuff, sell stuff, give lessons. I don't know. It'll keep me busy."

"I think it's a great idea," he says, spinning me again.

I raise my eyebrows and stop dancing. He's actually being supportive, highly unexpected. "Thanks." We sit back on the couch. "I'm sorry for being a bitch earlier. I'm very happy for you and Alice."

He rolls his eyes. "No need to pretend. I know you don't like her."

"I've never met her. You were too ashamed to introduce us. And it's not that I don't like her. It's that she doesn't like me." He opens his mouth to protest but I glare and he doesn't bother. I know she doesn't like me. But I really can't blame her, this afternoon I did try to sleep with her fiancée. "So, is that who you were talking to?"

"No, actually it was…the guys." He shrugged, staring at my TV, even though it wasn't on.

I suck in my bottom lip and nod. "Edward."

"Yeah," he says softly. "He had a few things he wanted to run by me, for the new album. See what I thought and all." I decided that watching our reflections in the TV could be interesting. More interesting than pretending that I was okay with this conversation. "I'm sorry for-"

"Don't be," I cut him off.

"I did talk to Alice today. She's flying in tomorrow. Do you mind if she stops over?" I shake my head. "She said she wanted to talk to you." I nod, wondering what the hell she wants to talk to me for. She probably either wants to kill me or give me a warning, maybe gloat about finally being engaged to him. We sat in silence for a minute before Jasper spoke again. "You know, you're doing really well out here. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks." I nodded.

"You miss him don't you?" he suddenly asked.

I tore my gaze away from the black TV screen and looked to him. I gnawed on my bottom lip again. "Of course I miss him. More than you could ever imagine." I shrug, and pick at the fuzz on my socks. "We went through a lot of things together and I just…I always thought that we'd…I didn't think that I'd end up all the way over here and he'd be all the way over there and just not care."

"Bella," Jasper sighs. But I really don't feel like listening to him try to make me feel better. Lies won't help and the truth defiantly won't.

"I've got a headache. I'm going to lie down." I patted his knee and walked to my room, locking the door behind me.


	6. 6: Who You Want Me to Be

**Chapter 6**

**Who You Want Me to Be**

I sit in the back of the shop, white canvas glaring back at me-mocking me. I've been staring at it all day. I've gotten nothing accomplished. I've tried every CD that usually starts the creative gears in my brain but I've come up empty. So I grab the paintbrush again, swirl it around in the black paint and scrawl in big black letters that cover the canvas, 'FUCK YOU!' I growl then hurl the brush at the wall, a lovely black smudge left at the point of impact.

Four months have passed by quickly since I've moved to New York. A lot of things have changed. Most surprising is my friendship with Alice (who was in fact _not _pregnant with Jasper's bastard baby, they are just madly in love). Turns out she doesn't hate me. I just got that impression because Jasper didn't want to introduce us when I was such a mess. He says its not because he was ashamed of me, just that he really wanted the love of his life to get along with his best friend.

I've been behaving myself. I have not lusted after Jasper since I found out he was engaged. I've occupied my time with other things. Like lusting after other people and getting my shop started up. It's really not much. A few people come in for supplies or tips or just to hang out, people are strange like that. I've sold a few things to those silly college kids going through their artsy stage. I'm sure that in three months I'll be seeing everything I've sold in the trash, as soon as they move onto the next phase. Right now mostly a place for me to get away from everything.

I heard the door open and I roll my eyes. I'm not in the mood. "Go away," I groan, rubbing my face. So much for a place to get away.

"You always make me feel so welcome." I turn around as Alice laughs from her spot in my back office doorway.

"And yet you come anyway." I shake my head and sigh. I'm sure she thinks this is just my normal sarcastic self but today I mean it. I'm just not in the mood. I turn away from her and cover my index finger in red paint and draw a crimson line underneath the letters.

"Oooh," she exclaims, eyes growing wide with excitement. "I want it!" She squeals looking at my painting.

I narrow my eyes and turn to face her. "If I give it to you will you go away?" I'm not sure what it is, but I just really don't feel like dealing with anything right now.

"Not likely." She shakes her head.

I set up another easel and throw a brush at her. "Entertain yourself," I command, walking away as I fish around for a cigarette.

"I'm free!" Jacob shouts, walking inside. "No more school for me!"

"Congrats. But you only have three months of freedom and high school sucks even more."

"Aren't you cheerful today?" Jacob rolls his eyes and Alice joins us.

"As always." I plaster on a fake smile and roll my eyes as I blow smoke in his face. I swear the closed sign is up. Maybe a 'do not disturb' would be better. Or something like 'BEWARE: crazy woman with a sharp, pointy and potentially life threatening objects'. That one may be too long. But before I finish my cigarette the door swings open and in marches Jasper. Just fucking great. When I actually want to be alone, no one will let me. Maybe I should just start locking the door.

Jacob is rambling about…something, as usual, and Jasper and Alice are making out. It makes me want to vomit. "We got done early today. We ran out of things to do," Jasper explains, holding onto Alice securely. "Edward has really been-" But he stops himself short. He doesn't like to bring Edward up in front of me. Things get awkward. "Sorry," he apologizes quickly.

"Don't be. Life goes on. The earth still rotates," I sigh, snuffing out my cigarette. I don't understand why everyone thinks that I am incapable of moving on. I can move on. I have. I moved. I changed. I simply don't need another dysfunctional relationship. I have one with myself already. That's enough for me.

"Speaking of Edward," Jasper says softly, rubbing his chin in the way he does right before he delivers bad news. I hold my breath. I don't like this. "He-uh-he knows I know where you are. Not exactly where but he knows you're in the city. But I don't think he knows it's here or anything but he-uh-he asked me to give this to you." Jasper reaches into his bag and pulls out a thick manila envelope.

I examine it for a minute; crisp and fresh, no writing on it at all, but it smells heavily like Edward's cologne. I don't know if I should open it or not. For all I know it's a really long letter on how much he hates me or an essay on every wrong thing I ever did (and he doesn't even know the half of it). It could be photographs, it could just be blank sheets of paper to fuck with my head. Edward's a crazy kid like that. But in the end I decide that there is only one solution. Incineration.

I retrieve my lighter from my pocket and stare at the orange glow as I move the envelope closer to the flame. But before the envelope catches fire, Jasper smacks my arm. "I thought he was insane when he warned me not to let you do that. But he knows you better than I do, I guess. So he asked me to make sure you didn't do that, at least while I'm around."

I sigh and put my lighter back in my pocket. "Why?" I ask, surprised at how weak my voice is.

"I don't know." Jasper shrugs. "I guess it's important or something. He asked me to make you open it in front of me. Y'know, make sure you actually read it." I inhale deeply and hold my breath. "You don't have to but-" He stops talking when Alice pokes him in the ribs and an awkward silence falls over the room.

"Hey, who wants ice cream?" Jacob shouts. The kid doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut.

I ignore him as I finally exhale and let my fingers tear open the paper. I turn it upside down and laugh as its contents fall to the floor. "My old mail? What's so important about my old mail?" I roll my eyes and light another cigarette. Typical Edward.

Alice bends down and begins to stuff everything back into the envelope. "Junk. Junk. Junk." She comments glancing at each envelope. But her mantra stops and she stares at one plain white envelope as if it's written in Chinese. "Washington Institu-"

"Ice cream sounds good!" Jasper shouts suddenly, grabbing the remaining letters and filling them into the envelope. He grabs the one from Alice's hand but my attention has been peaked and I glare at him. "Washington Institute of Art." He says looking at the floor nervously. "But who cares? We're going for ice cream!" I glare at him. "Fucking ice cream! It's great I love that shit!"

He's trying way too hard to keep this away from me that can only mean one thing. "Jasper Whitlock," I say sternly, extending my hand. "I know what it says. Washington Institute for Women. Give it to me!" I've seen hundreds of envelopes just like it before. He reluctantly places it in my hands and puts his arm around Alice, almost protectively. I grab the envelope from Jasper and stare at it for a minute. Surprisingly, I feel nothing. I'm numb. I'm empty. Void of any emotion. Highly unexpected. I bite my tongue and close my eyes, nodding slightly. "Fucking ice cream. It does sound good." I nod tuck the letter inside the envelope and drop it into my bag.

I walk toward the door, hearing whispers from behind. But I don't care. I'm not saying anything. I'm on a mission. Ice cream. Ice cream is good.

"So…" Alice starts off as I lock the door. "I hear you have a birthday coming up." I hear a small yelp, undoubtedly Jasper poking her in the ribs and trying to keep her quiet about the dreaded day.

"I didn't know, Bella!" Jacob shouts excitedly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I sigh and rub my face, realizing that I still have red paint on my fingers and now probably on my face. "Fuck you all. Don't ever bring it up again."

"We don't celebrate Bella's birthdays anymore," Jasper explains in a whisper. "I'll tell you about it later,"

Ice cream is good. Ice cream solves all of life's problems.

XXXXX

"Come on, you can't just lie in bed all day," Edward whined, rubbing my lower back softly.

"Yes, I can," I groaned, rolling onto my back and pulling the sheet closer to my body. "And yes I will."

"But it's your birthday," he continued in the whiney nasally voice that he almost never used with me.

"Precisely. That is why I intend on sleeping all day."

His head hit his pillow and he sighed. "Bells-"

"Not today." I shook my head. "I just…I just want to sleep." I sighed and rolled onto my side, wrapping my arms around him and squeezing him tightly.

"What about your presents?"

"I don't want them," I answered, closing my eyes and kissing his shoulder. "Take them back."

"All of them?" He asked, rolling over to face me.

I nodded and bit my lip. "All of them."

"Can I keep them?" He laughed.

"Nope. Chances are if it's something I would like, you wouldn't."

He rolled on top of me. "Well, I like you…"

I rolled my eyes and bit my lip. "And _I_ don't like me."

He faked a pout and leaned down to kiss me, but I turned my head away letting his lips brush against my cheek with a frustrated sigh. "What about cake? Will you get out of bed for cake?"

I shook my head and sighed. "No cake."

"Not even a special Edward made chocolate cake?"

"Ewww, chocolate. You should know me better than that."

"Fine. Not even a special Edward made yellow cake with rainbow frosting?" He flashed an accomplished smile but I shook my head again. "I'll let you lick the bowl."

"Tempting but, no." He sighed again and rubbed my arm. "Nothing is going to get me out of this bed today."

He exhaled deeply and sat up, leaving me cold. "Ice cream." He made his last attempt with a raised eyebrow.

"You don't play fair," I pouted.

"Is that a yes?" He smiled, tickling my stomach.

I held my smile back and poked him in the stomach. "That's a get me my god damn ice cream." He sat up and grabbed my arm, trying to pull me forward but I fought it. I had no intention of leaving bed at all. Maybe stumble down the hall to the bathroom, but that was it. "No." I shook my head. "Not today."

He shrugged and sat up. "Then no ice cream for you." He sighed, walking out the room. I groaned to myself as I heard the clinking of the spoon. Damn it. I rolled out of bed and walked to the kitchen, not bothering to put any clothes on, finding Edward holding out an extra spoon for me. I sat on his lap and got a spoonful of ice cream from the carton. "Aren't you going to get dressed?"

I simply shook my head and shoveled another spoonful of vanilla ice cream into my mouth. "You're not wearing anything either. And I'm going back to bed after I demolish this. You're the one who wanted to get out of bed so maybe you should get dressed."

"Bells-Bella," He corrected, sensing my muscles tighten. "Bella, it's your birthday, people are going to stop over."

"Well then, I guess we entertain naked. Everyone who would remotely give a damn knows the rules." I shrugged just as the doorbell rang. I shifted and looked into his eyes that immediately fell to the floor. "Who is it?"

"Jasper."

"God damn it, Eddie! He knows better! You should know better!" I shouted, standing up and throwing my spoon across the room before I stormed back under the covers.

"Just for a few hours," he pleaded from the doorway, as he threw on a pair of jeans.

"No," I shouted. The doorbell rang again and Edward disappeared only to come back and continue to berate me but I responded with a 'no' every time.

"Jesus! Bella, I love you. I really love you, but you have to move on."

And at that point I had had it. I sat up and threw the sheet from me. "What the fuck would you know about it?" I screamed, throwing on an oversized sweatshirt. "Nothing! You know nothing about what this feels like. The only time my birthday has even been even remotely tolerable was the one I spent in a drug induced coma. Which is sounding pretty fucking tempting right now!" He walked closer to me and put his hand on my arm. "Don't touch me," I said, shaking his hand off but he tried again. "Don't fucking touch me!" I slapped his arm, throwing a pair of jeans onto the bed and pulled my suitcase from the closet.

"Not today, baby. I'm sorry. I know better. I shouldn't have..."

I stopped and breathed heavily. "Y'know what? I'm not doing this today," I said calmly, brushing my hair from my face. "You are." I threw the suitcase at him and sat on the bed, sliding on a pair of panties. "Get out of my apartment."

"No." He shook his head.

"You don't have a choice. Get. Out. Of. My. Apartment."

"I'm not leaving you alone today," he said as he walked closer to me, the famous apologetic and concerned look on his face.

But I just pressed my hands to his bare chest and pushed him away with all my might. "Get the fuck out of my apartment!" His back hit the wall with a loud thud but he didn't make a move. He wasn't going to leave. So I got up and walked over to him, shouting at him to get out repeatedly as I pounded him on the chest. But eventually it all caught up with me and I broke down, letting the tears fall freely as he wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm sorry," he sighed, kissing the top of my head. "Let's get you cleaned up and back to bed." He drew me a bubble bath and I insisted he join me.

"Why are you with me?" I sighed, leaning back into him.

"Because I love you."

"Why do you love me?"

"There isn't just one reason." He sighed, feeding me a spoonful of ice cream. "It's everything about you."

"Would you ever leave me?"

"You know I wouldn't. Why be worried about that?"

"I'm not afraid of you leaving. I mean, I am. I don't want you to leave. But one day you're going to have to. Or you should. I'm afraid of you staying too long. I don't-"

"Shhh," he said, rubbing my arms gently. "Don't worry about it. It's not going to happen. We're different. You're different." He kissed my shoulder and fed me another spoonful of ice cream. So, it might not fix everything but it helps.

XXXXX

I laugh to myself, as the memories trick me into believing he's here. Standing ten feet in front of me, waiting to cross the street. I shake my head and try to clear my thoughts but the face does not go away. "Fuck," I whisper to myself.

It really is him. I turn around quickly, hoping he doesn't see me. "I'll meet you guys there. I left something back at the… I'll be right back," I stammer, rushing past them. I turn the corner and ran into someone, knocking me on my ass. This is not my day.

"I knew you couldn't stay away," a familiar voice jabs. Fuck, this is not my lifetime.


	7. 7: Love to Work You

**Chapter 7**

**Love To Work You**

I look up at him and sigh, forcing a smile. "Hi, Rosalie."

She stands, towering above me, a sardonic smile set on her face before she finally speaks. "Bella, what a pleasure it is to see you again."

"Fuck you," I curse.

"I think I'm the only one you haven't," she scoffs. But I stopped listening. I knew what was coming. We hate each other. It's not the first time we've had this argument.

"Just shut the fuck up and do me a favor," I seethe as I roll my eyes.

"I'm not telling you where he is." She crosses her arms against her chest and glares at me.

"He's about a block away." I shrug as I finally stand and brush of my jeans. "Thanks for the help."

"So he turned you away already," she sneers.

"I di-" But I stop, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. "You know what?" I sigh, brushing a stray hair from my face. "Fuck you! Just get over yourself already." I take a step forward but stop when I hear my name. I grab Rosalie's arms and stare into her eyes. "I know you hate me but I have a simple request that I think even _you _can handle. You haven't seen me." And with that I run off and hide in my shop.

I turn to lock the door, but the scarlet coating on my fingers catches my eye.

XXXXX

I rubbed my hands together gently, smearing the crimson substance all over my palms, biting my lip as a smile formed. I watched him slump over the sheet of paper, face contorting wildly to show his frustration as he tapped the pen on the hard wood surface. He swiveled back and forth in the chair but never fully turning around so I carefully crept up on him from behind. I giggled softly in his ear as my hands squeezed his cheeks playfully. "Jesus Christ!" He shouted dropping the pen in fright before putting his hands over mine but jerking them away and staring at the red stain. He turned to face me. "What are you doing?"

I leaned closer to him. "I want to paint," I whispered, low in his ear before I bit the lobe softly.

"You're the painter, not me. You can paint alone. You do it all the time," he sighed, voice laced with a touch of anger.

"You're no fun." I stuck my bottom lip out. "Come on, baby. Please?" I whined, batting my eyelashes as I pinched his chin. "I want to play."

He pushed away from me and rolled his eyes in annoyance, trying to wipe as much of the paint off with the bottom on his shirt. "You know this stuff stains and it makes my skin break out. I'm going to have your stupid hand prints on my face for two days!" He lamented.

"They're not stupid," I protested, crossing my arms against my chest. But he just sighed heavily and turned away. I grabbed his shoulder and spun the chair around so he would face me. I rolled my eyes then retaliated with a head shake as I crawled into his lap. "Body paint." I smiled. "You won't have stupid hand prints for two days, just until you shower." I jumped from his lap and grabbed his hands, helping him from his seat and dancing with him around the room. "Now play with me?"

"What's in it for me?" He raised an eyebrow as he dropped my hands.

I smiled and giggled again, letting my red fingers grip the bottom of my sweatshirt and lift teasingly slow before throwing it across the room.

XXXXX

I force my legs to move, one after the other, slowly inching towards the back of the shop. My stained finger flicks the bathroom light on and I sigh, noting the red line on my cheek.

XXXXX

I watched him dip his finger in the scarlet paint before closing my eyes. I bit my lip as his finger underlined my right eye. But he stepped away. "What?" I asked, pouting immediately. I didn't want him ruining my fun.

"We need music." He nodded, making his way to the stereo in the corner. I smiled, watching him walk away. Sometimes I really hate him, but then there are days that I don't know how I can survive without him.

I crept up behind him as he searched for an acceptable radio station. My hands slipped underneath his shirt and threw it across the room. My lips attached to the exact spot on his neck that drove him crazy and my hands ran over his stomach, stopping right at the tip of his jeans. He immediately settled on the next station that came in clearly.

XXXXX

I bite my lip, struggling to keep the tears back. I don't cry. I'm not an emotional person. I am strong and introverted. AND I DO NOT CRY! But obviously this mind over matter thing doesn't work because a stupid drop rolls down my cheek, followed by another and another. Fuck, I'm actually crying. My therapist would be proud. I'm not the hallowed out shell of a person I aspired to be. My fingers keep wiping at the moisture on my face, but it's useless. And all I end up doing is smearing more paint all over my face.

XXXXX

He had me pinned against the wall of my study, his lips traveling from my mouth to my neck to my chest as his hands danced around my body. I moaned heavily, digging my fingernails into his back as his fingers reached for my zipper. I pushed him from me forcefully and imagined the look of confusion and disappointment he was giving me in the dark. "You promised me you'd play." I smirked, groping the wall for the light switch. I flipped the switch and gestured for him to look behind him; bottles of body paint and a blank canvass covering the floor. "So let's play." I command, my tongue flicking his ear as I unzipped his pants from behind.

Our clothes were scattered around the room in a matter of seconds. I moved him to the center of the room and laid him on his back, pressing my lips to his before sitting on his thighs and running a paintbrush down his bare chest, forming blue designs. I continued with his legs and arms and back, eventually abandoning the paintbrush and using my fingers, massaging his skin as I went. I didn't stop until he grabbed my hands, held them above my head as he forced me to my back, his mouth devouring mine. Paint leaving telltale sings of where his hands traveled.

And I'm sure you can imagine what happens next. Sex. And a lot of it. We barely took a break, stopping only between acts to paint a little more. The new setting having a kind of aphorismatic quality to it, bringing things out in us that we ever knew existed.

By the time we were finally exhausted and finished, hardly an inch of the canvas was untouched, not to mention a lot of the walls and a small portion of the outside hallway.

XXXXX

I push myself from the wall and try to push the memories from my mind. I turn the faucet and run my fingers under the warm water. I watch the red paint wash from my hands and the pink water disappear down the drain.

XXXXX

He took my green hand in his and led me down the hall, multicolored footprints leaving a trail to the bathroom. We settled into a steamy shower together, the paint laced water going down the drain resembling muddy water. We tried to scrub the drying paint of each others bodies but quickly realize that we're not quite exhausted or finished yet.

His mouth again reached mine and he lifted my left leg up and hitched it around his waist as he pressed my back hard against the wall. I bit my lip but couldn't manage to stifle a loud moan as he entered me again. I'm sure our neighbors loved us that night but in my opinion, it was well worth it. He kissed my clavicle and my hands slid up and down his moist back. I threw my head back and whimpered as my left hand pushed hard against the white and black shower tiles, my other hand tightly gripping the shower curtain while he continued to work his magic on me. I pulled on the shower curtain and partially ripped it off as a wave of ecstasy filled me and we collapsed into the tub.

We waited a few minutes panting heavily, trying to compose ourselves before I shut off the water with my toes. I was fully exhausted as was Edward. It didn't matter that there was still paint stuck in my hair or underneath my nails, it wouldn't even matter if I was still covered in it. I climbed out of the tub and threw on my bathrobe but had to inspect the final product of all our hard work. It was a masterpiece. Swirls of color everywhere, handprints all over the walls. It was beautiful.

I would have left it like that forever but I needed my office back. I never did clean the handprints of smudges from the wall. But I suppose whoever moved in after us did. But the canvas was later divided into sections and framed. But I kept all the pieces. Well, I had them at least until I moved. But I'm sure Edward has gotten rid of them. I don't think he wants to keep any reminders of that night. Or of me.

XXXXX

I finish washing my hands and face before leaving the bathroom. I need to vent. Normally I'd paint, but the mere thought of paint right now makes me want to have sex. But sex is also a good way to vent. Must find… There is a knock at the door and I look up and see Jacob. No. I can't have sex with him. I need to stop thinking about sex. He lifts his middle finger when I don't move to unlock the door. Then he pushes the handle and walks in. I thought I already established that I need to start locking the door.

"What do you want?" I sigh and collapse into the couch. I take it back, I'm too sullen and lethargic to have sex.

"You just ran off. I came to check up on you."

"Such the gentleman." I force a laugh. "Did Jasper make you?"

He shakes his head and sits on the arm of the couch beside me. "No. I don't need to be told when a friend is in need of another friend." I sigh and rest my head against his arm. "Why so melancholy?"

"When did you start using big words like melancholy?" I laugh.

"After spending as much time as I do with you, I'm bound to start talking like you." He laughs with me. "Plus that thesaurus you got me helps."

"Just doing my part to school the uneducated youth of America."

"He saw you, you know," Jacob says, leaning back.

I furrow my brow and turn to look at him. "Who?" I ask, trying to play dumb.

"Edward." He nods. "After you ran away he came up to Jasper. There was shouting. I decided it was best to leave." And with that I suddenly burst into tears. "I'm sorry," he says immediately.

"No," I sob. "I'm just so pathetic."

"You're not pathetic. You're just…"

"I'm just what?" I ask, blotting away the tears.

He sighs. "Why didn't you talk to him?"

"Talk to him?" I scoff. "Look at me! Just thinking of him drives me insane."

"Well, you never got any closure. You just left and that was that. No goodbyes no resolution. Nothing. Of course you're going to go insane when you think about him."

My tears suddenly stop and I dry my cheeks. He kind of makes sense. "You're fourteen-fucking-years-old! When did you get to be so fucking smart?"

"It's a gift." He laughs and falls from the arm of the couch and into the small space next to me as he wraps his arm around my shoulders.

"So all I need is some closure. Then I'll be normal?"

"Let's not get carried away." He holds his hands up defensively. "You're never going to be normal. But maybe you'll be a little less pathetic."

"You said I wasn't pathetic!"

"Hey! We never did get that ice cream," he shouts, quickly standing and running his fingers through his hair.

"I don't feel much like ice cream anymore," I sigh.

He gasps and places his hand over his heart. "But ice cream fixes everything."

I sigh and lie on the couch. "Not everything. I think I'm unfixable."

"Quit being overly dramatic." He rolls his eyes and attempts to pull me from the couch.

"I'm not up for socializing. I just want to lie here."

"Okay, now you've got me beyond worried. No ice cream and the desire to sleep? What else?"

"I don't want to paint or have sex right now."

"You need immediate medical attention! This is serious! Where's the phone? I need to call 911."

"Stop exaggerating."

"I'm being just as dramatic as you. You need to get over all your issues."

"Easier said than done." I sigh and roll over, staring at the flowery design of the back of the couch.

"Fuck! If you want to be a miserable drama queen do it. But I'm going to find Alice and Jasper and have some fucking ice cream!" he shouts and storms towards the door but suddenly the footsteps stop. "And if your beloved Edward is still there I'm going to let him fucking know he's so much better off without you!" My eyes start to sting and I bite my lip. "And you fucking know it! That's why you're miserable and you'll always be miserable! If you love him a fraction of what you say you do, then you'll forget about him and leave him the fuck alone and just let him be happy!"

The stupid bell rings and the door swings shut and I'm left alone crying. Because he is absolutely right.


	8. 8: Everything I Am I Got From My Parents

**Chapter 8**

**Everything I Know I Got From My Parents**

It's been two days since Jacob yelled at me and I haven't left my room for more than 10 minutes total. The truth hurts. And thinking about it hurts even worse. I sigh and kick my legs, attempting to keep the sheets from sticking to my bare legs. It's ninety degrees outside but I'm too lazy to turn on my air conditioning so I'm opting for a black tank top, pink panties and an already disagreeable disposition.

My door opens and Alice slips in but I don't move. I lack the motivation to do anything. If breathing wasn't involuntary I think I'd be too lazy to do that right now. She sits on the side of my bed and sighs heavily. I know that's my cue to ask 'what's up?' and to get me talking, maybe even moving but there is no incentive for me. She taps her feet impatiently and waits for about a minute before standing and throwing something at me. "At least put some shorts on." I place the boxers next to me and stare at the fan as it spins. "Jacob called again today."

"Did he want to yell some more?" I ask softly.

"Actually, he wanted to apologize. He's like a younger, male version of you. You get him mad and he just goes off saying the things he know will hurt you the most," she explains matter of factly.

"Except he was telling the truth." I sigh dramatically. And even though I'm not looking at her I can picture her rolling her eyes. I know I'm being childish but that's who I am. I've always been a drama queen. But I've fucking earned it.

She groans in frustration. "It doesn't matter. Whatever you two are bitching about, get over it. He's ready. You should be too. The past is the past. Put some clothes on, go out and move on."

I hear her shuffle her feet, presumably moving towards the door slowly but I don't pry my vision away from the spinning fan blades. "Do you know there are approximately 30,000 genes in the human body?"

"I-uh. No," she stammers, undoubtedly confused as to what that has to do with anything. But it does. It has everything to do anything. Genes make up chromosomes that make up cells, which make up everything.

"It was a big deal a few years ago. The Human Genome Project. They mapped out human DNA. They know the location of every human gene. And they know most of their functions."

She takes a few steps closer to me and now I see her in my peripheral vision as she nods slowly, still confused. "Okay."

"There's even a gene for risk taking. How they figured that out...I'm not sure. But I digress."

Alice crosses her arms against her chest. "What exactly are we talking about?"

I ignore her and continue my logic. "30,000 is still a lot of genes when you think about it. I can't name 30,000 different things about people. But that's where this geno mapping thing comes in. They estimate that there are about 5 genes simply linked to intelligence, which is a complex thing, not like eye color or something simple like that. So if one of the most complex human traits is just about 5 genes...I'm still thinking there are still a lot of genes left."

"I think you need to stop thinking." She furrows her brow. "Maybe you should get up and eat or something. You're sounding a little..."

I continue to talk right over her. "In about five years when they have it all figured out those stupid scientists will be able to take a drop of my blood and tell you everything there is to know about me without even knowing my name. It's all imprinted in my DNA. Every tiny and insignificant detail about me in my genes. And as I'm sure you know that you get your genes from your parents. I got my artistic and creative genes from both my parents. My hair, my eyes...I get that all from my parents. So the rest of the crazy 30,000 genes have to be inherited from your parents too, right?"

"Obviously," she sighs, still lost in my logic.

I really wish she would have said something different. "So that's why everyone always ends up being just like their parents no matter how much they don't want to. It's a frightening thought. Terrifying actually. I always thought it was just because we learned from example but science is telling me I'm wrong. I am who I am because I inherited it. I have no choice but to be the way I am. My parents gave me their genes and I am just like them." My voice breaks and I fight to keep from crying. "And since something stupid and trivial like risk taking is part of our DNA what about other stupid things?" I pause and sigh. "Like what if there's a gene for morals and ethics and things like that. What if I can't control the fact that I'm going to be a terrible person because that's what's inside of me? It's what I inherited. It's who I am. It's in my cells. I can't escape it because it's what makes me. So why should I even fucking bother. I know what I am. If it's in my genes I can't change it. I can't manipulate it. I can't fight it. I'm just stuck being a terrible human being." I realize that I'm rambling and stop there. I bite my lip and turn my head to look at her. She looks thoroughly confused and I guess it's understandable. "I think you're right though. I do need to get out. Eat. Move." I sigh and force myself out of bed and into a pair of shorts.

I walk into the kitchen and stare into my fridge. I don't think I have anything edible left. "I think you should call Jacob. He thinks you're mad at him."

"I'm not," I say softly. He was right. No reason to get mad at someone for telling you the truth no matter how much it hurts.

"Well tell him," she pleads. "He's really upset."

"He shouldn't be." I shake my head and close the fridge.

"Come on!" she shouts. "He's 14. What could he have possibly said to piss you off this much?"

"The thing is, he didn't even piss me off. It's just..."

"Complicated? Is that your excuse for everything?"

I furrow my brow and nod, searching for my phone. "Pizza or Chinese?"

"Pizza." She nods and I call. And that lovely change of subject seems to have distracted her just enough. I take a much needed shower and by the time I get out. The pizza is here and Alice is not. She left a note...out with Jasper and the guys...blah blah blah. I grab a plate and fill it up, finally realizing just how hungry I am. I sit at the table and glance at all the mail Jasper has piled up. I don't know why him and Alice hang out here. Maybe Jasper still doesn't trust me even if he tells me how he does. And according to scientific findings he shouldn't.

But sitting below all the rest of my mail is a familiar manila envelope. I put down my pizza, feeling a little less hungry and stare at it as if it's about to talk to me. I bite my lip and stare at it, waiting for it to tell me what to do with it. Of course it doesn't, but with the right drugs it just might. I could burn it, tear it up, throw it out, destroy it in 10 million different ways or I could lock it in a closet or a drawer and forget about it. Or I could do the sensible thing and simply open it. But all I can seem to do is place it back on the table neatly and continue to stare at it as I eat my pizza.

After three pieces of pizza the envelope still hasn't told me what to do with it so I manage to make a decision myself. I exhale heavily and open it reading each individual envelope carefully and separating them into piles. There are three piles, two of which only have one envelope each. The third, by far the biggest, is all my junk mail. I don't know why he kept it. I thought he'd want to get rid of everything that even remotely involved me. That's how we left things. He hated me. And he made sure I knew it after the last fight. But all my junk went to the trash can and I was now left with two white envelopes. One addressed from the Washington Institute for Women. The second a plan white envelope. I promptly went back to staring at them, maybe one of them will tell me what to do.

Five minutes later I'm still glued to my chair, head in hands staring at the two envelopes. I bite my lip and push the Washington Institute for Women envelope away. I know what that is however, I do not want to know the exact contents of it. It's mere presence is making me a little more insane. So I focus my attention to the blank one. My curiosity is peaked. "Who sent you?" I ask it, narrowing my eyes and glaring at it like a cop interrogating a suspect. Nothing. "Why are you here?" Silence. "What do you have to say for yourself?" Still no answer. I sigh and come to the conclusion that I have gone completely insane. I am talking to my mail.

I want to know what it is. But do I want to know what it's about?

Yes.

I tear into it and read the first line before dropping it to the table again. I know what it is. A simple salutation attached to a name only he calls me in that distinctive scrawl I know so well.

XXXXX

I hung up the phone determined not to let a tear slip. I would like to live by the ignorance is bliss statement however, no one else seems to think that's a good idea. I felt the familiar sting of overflowing tear ducts and decided I needed a distraction. Edward wasn't there to 'distract' me. So I needed something else to take my mind off of the current situation. And I had just the thing hidden nicely in the top drawer of my dresser.

But I was sidetracked on my mission. The piano sat there staring at me, taunting me to play. I sat at the piano plucking idly at the keys. It had been so long since I played…or even involved myself in music. I was surprised to at how easily I remembered old songs that I was taught as a child. The memories attached to all the songs again threaten tears. But I refused to cry. I am a hollowed shell of a person. Life is much simpler that way. Vapid. Empty. Void of emotions. Those only get you into trouble.

I looked to the papers Edward had left there, songs he was currently working on. It was complete but I still had yet to hear it. He was always protective of his music. No one hears it until he's sure he's finished it and it's perfect.

My eyes scrolled the page reading the notes and my fingers glided almost effortlessly across the keys. It's amazing how much I retained. The notes were strung beautifully together and after awhile of playing it I attempted to sing along with it. The words blended perfectly with the piano, it was really an amazingly constricted song. Probably his best to date, but I said that every time.

"What are you doing?" I heard Edward shout from behind me, causing me to jump up from the bench.

"I wanted to play and you left your notes and-"

"You can't play," he shouted, sounding almost angry.

"Thank you for informing me of what I can and cannot do. But I actually can play. I simply chose not to," I corrected him.

"Bella, I've never in my life seen you touch a piano," he stated walking over to me and pulling the cover over the keys.

"Well, you haven't known me my whole life, have you?" I said just above a whisper as I peaked up at him through the strands of hair that fell in my face.

"Just don't even start with the sarcasm and the attitude and all that shit. I've had a bad day." He commented as he sighed heavily and turned away.

He continued to rant and the tears I repressed from before began to resurface. "Conway called me today."

"What did you fucking do now?" he shouted.

And his flailing temper set me off. Everything was always about him. "I didn't do anything," I said softly. "Thank you for the vote of confidence." I walked past him, heading towards the bedroom. I reached under the bed and pulled out my suitcase. I really should've just always left one already packed. I ran away too often.

"You're leaving?" he asked, appearing in the doorway.

"I have a funeral to attend and other obligations that I do not feel like discussing right now, especially with you." His jaw dropped to the floor and he tried to formulate a response. "Don't worry about it. It doesn't concern you."

"If it concerns you…" he started off, gently caressing my shoulder.

"Don't act like you care now!" I shouted, smacking his hand away and continuing to pack my bags. "You've never been concerned about my past, considering you don't even know my musical abilities so I wouldn't expect you to worry your pretty little head about this." I stood in front of him waiting for him to move without me commanding it. "All you care about is fucking me."

"Bells."

"Don't you fucking dare," I responded calmly. "I have arrangements to make. If you ever feel like learning anything more about me other than my favorite sexual position, talk to Jasper," I said and pushed my way past him and out the door.

XXXXX

I carefully place the first page of sheet music down to reveal a handwritten letter.

Now, do I want to know what it's about?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

I'm not sure.

So it will stay where it is until I can make up my mind. I clean up my mess and decide that a walk will help me decide. Or just give me some much needed time out of my apartment.


	9. 9: Green Grass

**Chapter 9**

**Green Grass**

As soon as the door shut behind me a breathless Jacob raced from his apartment. "I'm sorry for being a dick," he shouts.

My mouth curls into a smile and my fingers mess his hair. "Don't worry about it."

"So you're not mad at me anymore?" he asks hopefully.

I shake my head. "Never really was." He smiles and turns back to his apartment. "I'm going for a walk. Want to come?"

"Yeah." He nods and closes the door behind him. As soon as I get out of the building I pull out my pack of cigarettes and grab two, one for me and one for Jacob. I'm sick of attempting to be a role model. I sucked at it anyway. We walk in silence for the short amount of time it takes us to finish out smoke. "You know, I really didn't mean everything I said." he says, flicking the butt of his cigarette at a pigeon.

"I know." I sigh and agree, inhaling the last breath of my cigarette, even if I do know that every single word he spoke was true.

"It's just…you're so…I don't even think there's a word for what you are."

"I don't think so either." I agree. I stop at a park bench and sit, watching with a smile as a father chases after his toddler as she made a break for freedom.

XXXXX

I stared at the 2-year-old and her father playing in front of us. They looked happy as the mother just watched from a nearby bench. I returned the smile the girl gave me as she chased after the red ball that got past her. I returned my gaze back to the sketchbook in front of me the pencil finishing the small detail of the child's face. It was a beautiful summer day and I didn't want to spend it inside so I forced Edward to go out with me. Edward sat beside me on the blanket in the local park, writing and crossing out things feverishly. The band was due to start recording their album shortly and he claimed they were nowhere where they needed to be.

I slowly leaned over and attempted to examine his paper but he caught me and held it close to his chest. He then attempted to look at my sketch so I mimicked him. After playfully smirking at each other we both returned to our projects. But I stared at the sketch and decided it was complete. Edward tapped his pen on his knee and continued to work on his song, carefully shifting his notebook every time I tried to peer at the page. I rolled my eyes and moved behind him, my fingers massaging his tense shoulders. I looked to his page but he seemed to sense that and turned to me, giving me a warning glace. I just shrugged and continued to massage his neck and back. I leaned close and breathed on his ear before gently nipping at it. This time he turned to me with an eyebrow raised…and not in a bad way.

He caught my lips with his and pulled me around so I sat on his lap as his tongue plunged deep into my mouth. He pulled me close, hands slipping down my sides and landing on the small of my back where he gently tickled me just beneath the soft cloth of my skirt. His way of always letting me know what was on his mind. I smiled and forced him onto his back. We continued to kiss playfully out in public, rolling around somehow managing to find out way into the soft green grass instead of the blanket. He had me on my back, his lips still attached to mine just as a red ball landed beside us, barely missing my head. We pulled apart and stared at the ball just as the little girl I had drawn raced over and retrieved it.

I pushed Edward from me and bit my lip. It's a good thing we were interrupted because I had forgotten that we were in the middle of a park surrounded by other people…families…small children. And what we were doing just wasn't appropriate for that setting. Edward looked at me apologetically and returned to his notebook.

I rolled my eyes, snatched the notebook from his hands and placed a passionate kiss on his lips and winked as I chucked the notebook onto the blanket and grabbed his hand. He gave me a perplexed look, but I had a plan. I quickly led him behind me to the heavily wooded part, looking behind me and biting my lip though never releasing his hand. As soon as we reached the cover of the trees he opened his mouth but I stopped him with another kiss and continued to lead him deeper into the trees skillfully not removing my lips from his.

As soon as I was confident that we were far enough away from civilization I pulled away and bit my lip playfully as I stared into his eager eyes. I laughed and slowly walked backwards using my index finger to motion for him to follow but he stayed where he was. When I backed into a tree I stopped and rolled up my tied on skirt and pulled off my bathing suit bottoms and flicked them at him. He smirked and made his way towards me, lips crashing once more. His hand cupped my breast and massaged through the soft material of my bikini top. His fingers snaked their way to my back, skillfully removing my bathing suit top and letting it fall to a pile of dried leaves. His mouth teased at my flesh, setting my body on fire like only he knows how to do.

His hand then fell to my leg and traced its way up, under my skirt, fingers penetrating me. I gasped and pulled on his hair. He always knew just how to drive me crazy, be it in a good way or a bad way. But this was a very very good way. He rocked his hips against mine and I really didn't want to wait anymore. I've always lacked patience. I unbuckled his belt, unzipped his khakis, and reached into his boxers, laughing like a high school girl fooling around in a crowded movie theater. He moaned into my mouth, not expecting me to be this impatient. His hands then made their way to my hips and he hoisted me up, pinning me against the tree.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and gripped his shoulders tightly as he entered me. I couldn't help but cry out as he carefully thrust into me repeatedly. Our hearts raced in unison and neither one of us could get enough oxygen to fill out lungs. I bit my lip and my nails dug into his shoulders as I arched my back, a wave of ecstasy came over me. Edward followed seconds later, finishing with a soft moan.

I slid down the tree and smiled playfully at Edward as I gnawed on my fingers. Edward adjusted his pants, zipped them and buckled his belt as I retied my skirt around my waist and after scanning the ground for my bikini bottoms and not finding them I decided to just forget about it. I kissed him again and put my top back on before we made out way back out to the open.

He continued to work on his song and I just lied back and watch as the clouds rolled by slowly, finding shapes in them. Minutes later he closed his notebook and lied back with me, kissing me once more. I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair. "I need food," I announced and he agreed. But neither one of us had been smart enough to pack the sandwiches for the picnic, so we decided to take a break from nature eat at a deli and maybe come back for a little more fun in the park. We gathered our stuff and started the trek back to the real world but I ran into a child and dropped my sketchbook.

"Sorry," her father apologized walking over to us and grabbed his daughters arm and picked up my sketch book and it just happened to be turned to the picture I just drew of him and his daughter. "This is very good." He nodded. "You did this yourself?"

I nod. "I'm an artist." I look away shyly. "You just looked so cute playing together I couldn't help but draw it."

"How much would you sell something like this?" he asked.

"Oh, she doesn-" Edward interjected.

I grab the book from him and carefully tear out the page. "I'd be glad you just give it to you." I smile and hand it to him. "I'm in a very good mood today." I smile and place a gentle kiss on Edward's lips. Then man thanks me and we turn to leave when his wife stops me and asks me what I've done to my back.

I furrow my brow as Edward walks behind me. "Shit!" He shouts and I start to chastise him for swearing in the presence of a child but he continues to speak. "I didn't think that fall would scratch your back that much!"

"What-" But he pokes me and nods seriously. "Oh! That fall." The husband and wife just attempt to hide their bashful smiles as the realization sets in. The man thanks me again and we leave quickly before laughing.

"Doesn't your back hurt?" He asks, staring at it once more.

"I didn't notice before but I guess a little bit." I shrug and twist attempting to look.

"I guess next time we'll just have to find a much softer tree." He smirks. I roll my eyes and keep hold of his hand and we make our way to the deli.

XXXXX

"You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" Jacob questions, pulling me from my reverie.

I sigh heavily, watching the happy couple play with their child together. "It's hard not too." I smile. I wish so much that I could have grown up normal. I could have been that child that grew up into that mother. But my life is far from that.


	10. 10: Cock It and Pull It

**Chapter 10**

**Cock It and Pull It**

Jacob and I make our way back to the apartment building. It's too nice of a day to spend it all outside enjoying it, it just makes me depressed. Suddenly the little punk pulls me from my thoughts. "Why do you think about him so much still? You think you'd be over it by now."

"Hardly." I shake my head. "It's not that easy to get over. For me at least. But I'm about 100 different kinds of fucked up. My therapist loved it. Maybe I should start seeing one again."

"You seem normal enough to me." Jacob shrugs.

"Oh, baby." I mess up his hair. "You'll learn. No one is normal. The more normal they seem, the more fucked up they are. It's a simple fact of life."

We reach the apartment building and make our way up the stairs. I toss me keys on the table, the white envelope still there. Still mocking me. I hate it. My answering machine is flashing so I hit play. "Bella," a familiar voice resonates in the room. My eyes grow wide and my stomach feels as if it's full of snakes. "It's Robert Conway. It took me awhile but I managed to get your new number. Hope you've been staying out of trouble." I'm sure he knows better than that. "But onto business. As you may or may not know some things have transpired and I think it would be a good idea for us to talk them over. So give me a call at my office at your earliest convenience." I flop down into a chair and stare at the wall.

"Izzy? Bella?" Jacob questions, staring in my face. "You don't look so good."

I shake my head. "I don't feel so good."

"Do you need some water?" He asks, backing away slowly. "Anything?" All I can do is shake my head.

"I have to make a phone call." I say monotonously and reach for my cell. "I'll see you later kid." I rush him out the door but he's reluctant. Such a sweet kid, worrying and all but right now I need to be alone.

It takes me a minute to gather enough courage to dial the number and a nasally woman's voice answers. I cut her off. "This is Bella Swan returning Mr. Conway's call." She insists that he's busy and she'll take a message. I insist I don't have time for her small talk and I just want to get this over with. A minute later I'm patched through. "Hello, Mr. Conway. Let's cut through the pleasantries, no conversation with you is ever a good one. So to what do I owe this pleasure?" I say, my voice so sweet I amaze myself.

There is a heavy sigh. "It's about your mother."

XXXXX

It was the day I had said was the most memorable of my life. And it was, for two reasons. I had my happy moment. Then the real reason it was the most memorable. No matter how much I want to, I'll never be able to forget it. Not one small fucking detail.

I had spent the day with my father acting for once like a regular family. But mostly because it was the last day I ever got to spend with him. When we got back to the hotel my mother was of course gone so my father had put me to bed with my special birthday song. But a few hours later we had to board the bus and move on to the next city. That's when all the shit started.

My father lifted me up and carried me out. As soon as we boarded the bus a strong scent hit me, one that I am all too familiar with now. My mother was already there, hair matted to her face with sweat, makeup smeared. It was a far cry from the fair and angelic face that everyone was used to. But that was what I used to call her nighttime face. The one she wore when no one else was around. But no one else got to see her like that. I wish I never got to. Maybe things would have been different if she weren't an addict.

She always scared me when she was like that. Her cheery disposition was ruined and she yelled a lot. She would hit my father and occasionally me but my dad always stood up for me. Never for himself. I never understood that. I never understood why he put up with her. He should have just left her. Things would have been so much better. But he stayed and he took it day in and day out.

I held onto my father tighter and buried my head in his chest. "Don't you have anything to say to your daughter?" he asked, his voice laced with spite.

"Like what?" she sneered, pushing her hair behind her ears before reaching for a smoldering cigarette.

I could feel his muscles tense as he held me. I was upset that my mother couldn't remember my birthday but not nearly as much as I was scared. The haze in her eyes held something different tonight. And it had me terrified. "Put that shit out. You know the rules, not around the kid," he shouted, adjusting my weight. "Now tell your daughter happy birthday."

"Happy birthday, baby," she swooned, standing from the couch and stumbling over to us. But I pulled away and hid in my father once more.

"Do you even know how old I am?" I shouted, instantly regretting it. I never talked back to my mother, especially when she was like that. I learned that the hard way a long time ago.

"Now listen here you little shit," she shouted, grabbing my arm, her cigarette burning the tender flesh of my wrist. Tears stung in my eyes and I tried to fight it. She always told me never to let anyone see you cry. But I couldn't help it.

"Let go of her, Renee," my father commanded, stepping back.

But she followed. "Don't you fucking tell me what to do!" she shouted, hitting him and me in the process.

"Renee, not now!" He shouted, setting me down.

"What? Not around the kid?" she countered stooping to my level. "She can handle herself. She's what, ten?"

"Eight," I said softly. And I saw the anger flash in her eyes again before my father kneeled in between us.

"Honey, I want you to get my CD player out of my bag, go to bed and put it on real loud, okay?" I nodded and he pushed me back toward the bunks.

I shut my eyes tightly as my small fingers hit play then turned the dial on side of the portable CD player to drown out the sound of the screams outside. But seconds later it just turns off again. No battery. I hug the pillow tighter to my chest, gnawing on the pillow corner, attempting I block out all sounds.

What happened next is what turns my dreams into nightmares. The moment that I have tried time and time again to forget but it still plagues me. The arguing continued and I can't ever remember my parents ever getting that mad before. My mother would always pass out or my father would somehow get her subdued. But not this time. This time was different. They just kept going and the things that were being said kept getting worse.

I cradled the pillow closer to my chest and prayed for it to stop or for me to just go deaf. And for a second I thought that my prayers had been answered. A few more shouts, a loud noise then silence. Blessed silence.

I sighed in relief and wiped the tears away. I opened my eyes when I heard footsteps run past my bunk followed by shouts and screams and more loud noises, crashes and bangs. I wanted to know what was going on but I was too scared to see. So I just strained my ears to hear while still wishing for deafness.

After what seemed like minutes, but I was told couldn't have been more than seconds of silence passed I heard soft footprints with and my mothers soft voice. I kept my eyes closed tight and prayed she would just pass by thinking I was asleep. But she paused outside my bunk and threw the curtain back. "Happy birthday, baby," she said as she leaned down to kiss my head. The smell of stale whisky and cigarettes heavy on her breath. "I'm sorry but mommy has no choice now. It'll be nice and easy." She ripped my pillow from my grasp. And before I could process anything, I couldn't breath. I tried to scream but it's muffled by the pillow.

I kicked and kept trying to scream but nothing worked. So my small fingers gripped the arms holding the pillow securely to my face and I dragged my nails across the skin. Her grip of the pillow loosened and I grabbed her arms, pushing her forcefully from me.

I sprung from the bed and ran to the front of the bus only to stop in awe of what was in front of me. Blood. Everywhere. Eric, a roadie, was covered in blood, face frozen in some distorted form of a silent scream and…my father. I ran over to him and tried to wake him before I realized that all this blood was his. My fingers felt sticky matted hair on the back of his head. My fingers covered in his warm crimson blood. "It's all your fault," my mother shouted running towards me. I scooted back into the corner letting tears roll down my face. I just sat, cradling my legs to my chest as she scanned the room until she spotted something. I followed her line of vision. A shiny black metallic object of death.

I heard pounding at the door and I was tempted to try to run out. But she was too close. And I was closer. I sprinted to the gun and my small fingers fell on top of it. "It's all your fault!" She kept screaming at me over and over as she hit me one, twice…repeatedly. She finally settled and stepped back. "Give it to me." She held out her hand and I picked up the gun, holding it tight. Like it was the only thing keeping me alive. And it may as well have been. "Give it to be, baby. Please give it to mama." When I didn't forfeit it she screamed and lurched towards me. I didn't even know what happened. I simply felt a jolt, heard a loud noise followed by shouting.

The people outside had finally broken the door and rushed in. It must have been some sight to see. A tour bus covered in blood. Three bullet ridden bodies. And an eight-year-old holding a gun.

I passed out as soon as the security guards spoke to me. I don't remember shooting. I don't even know how to work a gun. But I was the one with the gun and she was the one with the gun shot wound. So what the hell else could have happened?

XXXXX

I took a deep breath and smile. "You must be mistaken. I don't have a mother. She died years ago."

"Bella, I know you don't like to talk about it." He started.

"Would you like to talk about it?" I shot back, hoping my words would somehow hurt him like his hurt me.

Another sigh from him. "I understand that but we really have to talk about this. As your lawyer, I have an obligation."

"And as your client, who has the money, I kind of get to call the shots. There is nothing for us to discuss. Have a good day, Mr. Conway." And I hang up.


	11. 11: I Get All My Bad Habits From You

**Chapter 11**

**I Get All My Bad Habits from You**

I am staring at the envelope from the Washington Institute for Women when Jasper bursts through the door. He looks terrified. "How'd you get in?" I ask softly.

"Jacob gave me the key," Jasper explains walking over to me.

"How'd he get a key?" I ask, putting the envelope back on the table, beside Edward's note-that I still haven't read.

"That I don't know," he responds, kneeling in front of me. "What happened?" he inquires, cutting right to the point. He never was one for small talk. I shake my head. Nothing happened. Well, nothing happened yet. But I've learned that I can't make promises. "Bella, Jacob told me some guy called you and you got upset. Edward didn't-"

I interrupt. "No." I pause and he just looks to me, brown eyes begging for an explanation. He also is one that likes to know everything. "Conway called." I stand up and begin to clean. Nervous habit. It keeps me busy. Keeps my mind from thinking about other things. I need to be kept from thinking about other things.

Jasper stood still for a moment. "You didn't know?" he says in a bewildered tone.

I completely forget about polishing my table and my attention turns to Jasper. I momentarily forget all the things plaguing my thoughts and I simply see red. Pure unadulterated anger. "You knew?" I shout, my eyes growing wide. "You fucking knew and you didn't tell me!" I barrage him with my fists, but I'm sure he hardly feels it. "How dare you not tell me? This is my life Jasper Whitlock!"

My anger soon subsided and was again replaced by the heavy sadness. I dropped my fists and the tears fell from my eyes like heavy rain drops. Jasper wraps his strong arms around me and I collapse into him, his fingers brushing though my hair as he kisses my temple.

XXXXX

It had been three years since my father had been murdered and I was staying with my grandmother from my mother's side. I was terrified to meet her. My mother's side of the family never seemed to have any people skills. But Granny was just about the nicest person I had ever met. The same could not be said for her husband who had died from cirrhosis of the liver three years earlier, obviously where my mother and Uncle had gotten their demeanor from.

I wasn't exactly the most well behaved kid; I was pretty much like Drew Barrymore when she was ten. But I felt it was justified. There was so much anger and fear packed into such a little body. I had experienced far too much for someone that age. After my grandfather had died she removed all the alcohol from the house, or so she had thought. My grandfather had hidden bottles of alcohol all around the house and I managed to be the only one to find them after three years, tucked away and the spare room closet that was mine. And I decided it was time to see what all the hype was about. When on tour with my father everyone drank and it seemed like everyone had fun. I needed some fun.

It was the first and far from the last time I had been drunk. Not something I should be proud of, I know. But the feeling was wonderful. All those negative feelings just faded away and I was left with nothing. And from that point on, I knew that alcohol was going to be a big part of my life.

That night was the first night that I didn't have nightmares. That next morning was a nightmare. Spending all day on the bathroom floor, but I was still too distracted by being sick to feel anything. It was utterly amazing.

On my third day of my drinking binge I picked up the phone as soon as my hangover subsided enough for me to begin normal human activities and called Jasper. "Hey, I've been missing you," he said.

"Life's rough out here without a best friend as amazing as you." I smile over the phone. Jasper was my first real crush, just talking to him over the phone made my cheeks turn red. "But it's not as bad as I thought it would be."

"Yeah?" he inquired with a grunt that I'm sure was induced by a bad move during a Nintendo game he was addicted to.

"Yeah." I proceeded to tell him of my adventures with alcohol.

"Bella!" he shouted and I can hear the clang of the video game controller as it hits the floor. "You can't be getting drunk yet! You're way too young."

I rolled my eyes. "Why do you always have to be such a baby about everything? Young kids do it all the time. I let you know because I thought you'd be my friend about it. I've finally found something that makes me feel normal. Thanks for the support, bud. I'll just go back to being miserable if that's what you'd prefer."

"Bella, it's not like that. I want you to be happy. You're my best friend but you of all people should know how bad that shit is."

I rolled my eyes again. "It's not like all the adults make it seem. It's fun. It's refreshing. It makes you feel so free and happy. Everyone just tries to scare you. Like when your mother said if you bite your nails and hand will grow in your stomach. They just say shit like that to keep you from doing it." There was a pause in the conversation. "Come on, Jazz, would I lie to you?"

"Shit!" He shouted loudly and I heared his mother scolding him in the background.

"I'll let you get back to your video game," I sighed.

"I'm sure I'll be grounded from it for a week now." He sighed, his mothers shouts grew louder before he hung up the phone.

My escape in alcohol went on a week before my grandmother figured out what was going on. She emptied the rest of the vodka in the bottle down the sink and told me I was grounded for the rest of my stay. But it wasn't like it mattered. I didn't do anything but sit around the house anyway and I would just tear up the house to find another hidden treasure.

Grandma scoured the house before I could and got rid of everything before I could find it. I had nothing but her soap operas to occupy my time. And after days of letting that rot my brain I searched the house for something, anything else to do. Tucked away in the corner of the basement, covered in boxes and old newspapers and other various things was something that could easily entertain me for the remainder of the summer. A piano, much like the one that my father once gave me lessons on. I quickly cleaned it off and began to pluck at the keys with a fierce anger, songs that I didn't think I could remember but apparently will never leave the confines of my brain.

After hours at the piano I heared applause from the doorway behind me. "That was amazing." She awed, her hand over her heart, tears gleaming in her eyes. "You put your heart into it just like your father did." I pulled the cover over the keys and ignored her. She didn't speak as I made my way to the staircase behind her. A tear slipped from her eye. "I want to show you something." She led me to another spare room. It was filled with canvases and paints, sketches and paintings, all sorts of works of art. I didn't realize my grandmother was so artistic. I sat down at the easel set up in the center of the room and immediately began painting. It just felt like it was what I should be doing. I guess she had been guilty about ruining my summer and forcing me to watch soap operas and finally gave me something to entertain myself with. She stood behind me and watched me work; I could hear her sobbing softly.

She finally stopped sobbing and rested her hands on my shoulders. "You have such talent."

I shrugged and continued to run the brush over the canvas. "I've never really done this before. But I guess I'm just a natural."

"Just like your mother." Every muscle in my body tensed. "All of this was hers. She had such an amazing skill. Everything she ever did was beautiful. Same with you." I dropped the brush to the floor, red paint staining the carpet like a blood stain; fitting for this room that housed a monster for years. "You play just like your father and you paint just like your mother." She turned me around to face her and reached her hands out and grabs my face with her cold, wrinkly hands. "You look so much like her, my sweet little Renee." She smiled, another tear falling from her eyes.

I pulled away quickly, the anger rising in me. "Sweet little Renee?" I seethed. "She was far from sweet. In case you've forgotten, your sweet little Renee murdered my father!" She drew back at my shouts, I could tell my words cut at her and at that moment I wanted them to. I wanted everyone to hurt like I had been hurt. "She tried to kill me!" I stood, throwing the palette past her head, the colors of the paint exploding beautifully. "I am nothing like her and I never will be!"

My grandmother's face changed suddenly. The tears were gone, the woeful nostalgic look has disappeared and all that is there is an extremely disappointed expression. "No my dear," she shook her head sorrowfully turning out into the hallway. "You are just like her. You're also too stuborn to see it." She closed the door behind her before I can retaliate.

XXXXX

I finally calm down and pull myself away from Jasper's protective body. "How'd you find out?"

"Edward told me. Mr. Conway called to tell you two weeks ago. He wants you to be at the hearing," he states simply as if it is no big deal.

"I can't. I can't be there." I shake my head, feeling myself begin to lose control again. "She sent me a letter. She wants me to be there. I can't do it. I just can't do it."

"You know you can't hide forever." He sighs heavily, again passing judgment on me. But he has no right. He has no idea what my life has been like. "One day, you are going to have to face it. You're going to have to face your mother."

I inhale sharply, pulling my hands over my ears. "My mother is dead," I say softly, my breaths coming in short panicked pants. "My mother is dead," I repeat for reassurance.

Jasper rolls his eyes and pulls my hands down. "Bella, stop that. You didn't kill your mother."

"I wish I had!" I shout, admitting my true feelings aloud for the first time. "I never had a loving mother like you did. I had a monster that hailed from a whole family of monsters. Ever since that night they took her to the hospital, I prayed that they would let her die! And when she didn't, I wished I would have known enough to do better. I wish she would have died. I wish I would have killed her! I wish that she was gone forever. Prison just wasn't good enough for me. You can't keep evil locked behind bars; you have to get rid of it," I say softly, tears streaming down my face. "They can't let her out of prison. She has to stay there so she can't hurt anyone else. She isn't capable of change. Those evil genes aren't capable of goodness." Those evil genes I know I couldn't have escaped. Those evil genes that now reside inside every cell of my body. Those evil genes that manifest themselves in my self-destruction. Those evil genes that some day will do some real harm to someone other than myself.


	12. 12: Beauty Thus Becomes

**Chapter 12**

**Beauty Thus Becomes**

I stand in the shower that night, cool water cascading down my flesh. I need a nice long relaxing shower to clear my head and calm my body. Jasper even supplied me with a CD of what they've recorded so far. It's absolutely fucking amazing. They just keep getting better. Their songs are so well composed I can hear their emotions in every note they play and especially in every note Edward sings. Maybe because if you listen real hard, you can tell that he's thinking of the tragic woman that he involved himself with for so long. And it breaks my heart that he even sounds a little happy to finally be rid of me.

I step out of the shower and pat myself dry, ignoring the sound of the ringing doorbell. Anyone that I care to see already has a key, or at least it seems that way. I take my time getting dressed and finally make my way to the door just as soon as the ringing stops. Whoever it was, was very persistent. I open the door and all I see is a bouquet of flowers at my feet.

I stand there and simply stare at them. And again, I find myself hoping that they will reveal themselves to me. But for as beautiful as they are, they can't tell me what I want to know. I lift them delicately, inspecting it from every angle, admiring the simple beauty and enjoying the soft fragrance. I sit it in the center of my table and extract the note from the center. I notice the writing on the back of the small white envelope and it falls from my grasp to the table falling directly on top of the other note I still have yet to read from him.

I ignore the letter and lift a rose from the vase. I step out onto my balcony and sit into the corner, watching the world below and the skies above. I bring the flower up to my face and let the silky soft petals run over my flesh, the sweet intoxicating smell invading my nose. A familiar sensation began to rise within me.

I grab the lighter and let the flame cloak the flower. I wrinkle my nose as the smell of a living object burning fills my nostrils. But as the scene unfolds it turns into one of the most beautiful things I've seen. The trail of fire slowly traveling up the red petal, leaving nothing but ash blowing in the wind as it passes. I stare, mystified by the intense beauty of the flame.

XXXXX

I stared straight ahead, knowing that I should be running in the other direction at that moment in time but my feet wouldn't seem to move-or my brain just wouldn't let them. And I was again left wondering, how did I get myself into those messy situations?

As usual it started of small and controlled and then…well, as usual, things got out of hand.

A bead of sweat formed on my brow as the flames danced around me and I couldn't turn away from their beauty. Instead of taking a step back, out into the hallway, like a normal person would, I stepped forward, slowly reaching my hand towards the flames. I could feel the heat searing my fingertips and smiled. The flames twisted and turned, they cracked and popped as they sang a melody of destruction. It made me wish that my canvas wasn't cloaked in it so I could immediately work on recreating it. The flames reached my supply chest and I watched in awe as they changed from orange to green to blue and just a light shade of purple as it devoured my paints. I've never seen anything to beautiful in my life. I've never imagined that something so deadly could turn out to be such a thing of beauty.

I continued to cough as the smoke filled my lungs. I watched the flames blur and the room spin. And before I could react, even if I wanted to, the beauty encompassed me.

I woke up shortly after in a hospital bed, Edward sitting vigilantly at my bedside, eyes closed and hands folded in prayer, one hand heavily bandaged. "Hey," I said my voice cracking.

His head whipped in my direction, eyes welling with tears. "How are you feeling?" He smiled.

"I can't say I'm fine when I wake up in a hospital, but I feel as well as I can." I nodded and sat up. I inspected my body and found no bandages or burns.

"It's pretty much a miracle." He smiled broadly. "No one knows how you didn't get burnt. I don't know how long you were there before I got home but you were pretty much surrounded by flames and didn't get a scratch on you." His smile grew.

I shook my head. "That's not a miracle. That's luck." I brushed some hair out of my face and noticed that it did not come out unscathed. My hair was a frizzy disaster from all the heat, it will need some serious salon therapy. "What happened to your hand?" I asked, pointing to the bandage.

"One of your paintings caught fire and landed on my arm when I was pulling you out," he responded as if he were lucky or possibly resentful that I created the mess and I came out untouched.

Shortly after Edward went home to rest and eat. While he was out the police stepped in and bombarded me with questions and told me as soon as I get released from the hospital to come down to the station and make a statement. The doctors then come in and check on me, reinstating how lucky I am. Blah blah blah. They'd like to keep me overnight for observations then, if all goes well, I am free to go.

As soon as Edward got there the following morning, I was ready to go. Only thing was, I had no place to go anymore. Edward of course offered his place, stating that it was about time we moved in together. We had been spending the night at each others places a lot anyway. That night as we lay in bed, he turned to face me. "What happened?" I furrowed my brow and roll to my side to face him. "With the fire. The fire department said it looked like an accident involving a lit cigarette too close to flammable material but you're smarter than that."

"Says who, Eddie?" I lower my eyes.

"Give yourself some credit. You do this everyday. I highly doubt that you just woke up and forgot all about it."

"Maybe you give me too much credit. I'm just a silly girl who doesn't deserve to be on this pedestal you've given me. I'm afraid of heights, Eddie." He stared at me, disappointment and anger shining in his eyes. He knows me too well, I'm a terrible liar. "You wouldn't understand." I shake my head.

"Try me." He stares at me, attempting to tell me that he desperately needs answers.

"It was _her_," I state simply, my voice growing weak as it does every time she is mentioned.

"Your mother?" He draws his brow in confusion.

All I can do is nod for the moment. My tongue darts out to moisten my bottom lip. "She sent me a package." I wrap my arms around Edward and hold him tight as if he will somehow be able to change the past. "I didn't know it was from her or I would have never opened it. Like all the rest."

"You set your apartment on fire because your mother sent you a package? You're right I don't understand," Edward scoffed, rolling his eyes in frustration.

I lowered my head. He never understood. His father walked out on him and his mother when he was young and he thinks that it is somehow comparable to what I've been through. Not even close. "You have no idea what it's like, Eddie." I sigh softly and quickly move past it. We will never settle this argument. "I didn't intend to set my apartment on fire." I shook my head, my hair falling to veil my face. "I guess she's being painting again and she sent one to me." I paused, knowing that even if I explained he still wouldn't get it.

"You see, a normal person would have just thrown it in the trash. But you, you have to go overboard with it. You thought that lighting it on fire would be a good way to get rid of it. Sometimes I just don't understand how you…You just don't think sometimes do you.

"No." I shook my head. "You've got me all wrong." I looked into his eyes, showing him my sadness. "Sometimes I think too much." Of course, he wouldn't understand about the picture of my mother and I that I had torn up right after the incident with my grandmother and mailed to her in a million little pieces. He wouldn't get why it bothered me so much to see that picture mended and taped and then transformed into a painting that looked so much like one I would have created. He wouldn't understand how much the halo's over our heads made me sick. And the profane way my father was depicted in the background. He just wouldn't understand why it drove me insane. He wouldn't understand why I couldn't bear the sight of it so much that I had to light it on fire. And he really wouldn't understand why I got so much satisfaction in watching it burn. I wouldn't expect him to understand anything like this. It's not that he doesn't care, I know that he does and he tries so hard to get me but unless you've felt a hatred like I've felt…you just can't get it.

XXXXX

I watch as every petal is engulfed in the flame, twirling the flower in my hand to inspect the beauty from every angle. The flame grows slightly, towering over the flaming rose and I let my fingers pass through the flame, feeling only a gentle warmth on my fingers. Edward used to joke that I was flame retardant, but this is a trick I've seen others do. I was just lucky with that fire I set before. "What are you doing?" a small voice asks from behind me.

I smile, the flame now dying. "I felt like destroying something beautiful." The flame extinguishes itself and I drop the stem from my balcony. "Edward sent them." I look to Jacob, a somber look on his face.

"My parents are getting a divorce." He shrugs, sitting beside me.

"My mother is being released from prison," I say, lowering my eyes. "I win." I can feel his eyes bearing into me, silently asking for me to explain. And for once, I did explain. I told him the whole story not just the parts that the press got a hold of.

"Wow," he says softly. "I'm sorry-I never-I didn't know."

I nod. "It's ok."

"So what are you going to do?"

I shake my head. "Nothing."

Jacob pokes me in the side, making me jump. "You can't just sit here and mope for the rest of your life!" He throws his hands up in a very dramatic fashion. "Go to Washington, petition, talk to the parole officers or whatever it is you do. Don't just give up and let her out." He pauses, forcing me to look at him. "Do something now before you regret it. Don't just sit here and let life happen to you."

"I don't know what to do!" I shout. "It was so long ago and I was only eight and they didn't think I was a very credible witness before. I don't think I can do anything. My lawyer really doesn't think I can do anything."

Jacob grabs my hand and squeezes. "You know you have to try. And I'll go with you." He shrugs.

"So there is an ulterior motive for this little pep talk." I smile at him.

He shrugs again and tries to hide a smile. "My parents are trying to ship me off to my grandmothers for the rest of summer while they 'sort things out'. Last time I visited them my grandma forced me to hold her hand while crossing the street and made me take naps everyday."

"Well, you know grandparents. They don't want their grandkids growing up; they try to hold on for as long as they can."

"It was last summer!" he shouts.

I shrug. "Well, you are a little short for your age."

I laugh and Jacob glares at me. "You're terrible!"

"Sorry. I need a little humor in my life." My smile fades slightly. "You're parents won't let you come with me. They hate me."

Jacob rolls his eyes. "They don't hate you. They just don't know you." There is pause and he gives me puppy eyes. "They don't have cable! And I don't care how cute it is…I'm not drinking out of that sippy cup again!" he continues to rant and rave as if he's lost his mind.

"Fine," I concede. "I'll talk to your parents and see what I can do. But we're going somewhere fun."

"Washington can be fun." I give him a confused look and he shrugs. "What?"

I stand and start to walk inside. "I'm not doing it."

"Whatever you say." Jacob shrugs, following me.

"Seriously, I'm not doing it." I shake my head. "I don't care what you say!"

"If that's what you want." He pounces on my couch and watches me straighten the room.

"I can't. It's just not possible," I continue to speak as Jacob just nods in agreement and puts his feet up on my coffee table. "God damn it!" I shout, glaring at him. "I hate you and your reverse psychology!"

"So you'll do it?" He smirks.

"Absolutely not!" I cross my arms over my chest. "But you are welcome to speak with my mother if you'd like." My doorbell rings and I peak out the peephole and jump back as if God himself were standing in the hall.

"What?" Jacob runs over and looks outside.

"It's Edward," my voice is so soft I can hardly hear it. I am rooted in place, my mind racing as I try to figure out how to best resolve the situation.

Jacob pushes me into the kitchen and opens the door. "Can I help you?"

"Uhhh." I hear Edward stutter and I just want to jump over this counter and have the hottest sex ever in the hallway. "Who are you?"

"I live here. Who the fuck are you?" This kid is amazing.

"I'm Edward Masen."

"Yeah? So?" Jacob shakes his head.

"Did Bella get the flowers?" Edward stammers.

"Who the fuck is Bella?" He glares at Edward. "It's just me and my grandmother. But she loved the roses. Too bad she's allergic." He starts to slam the door in Edward's face but stops short. "By the way, your music sucks." And with that he slams the door.

God, I love this kid. "Thank you." I say, emerging from the kitchen.

"You owe me." He smirks. Damn, I don't think I like this kid very much.


	13. 13: She's Probably Getting Frisky

**Chapter 13**

**She's Probably Getting Frisky**

After such a horrific day I think I've earned a little time at a bar. I swear, I won't get out of control, I just need to blow off a little steam. And I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Well, a really long time for me. I sit at the bar and order a drink, it's quickly gone and I resist the temptation to immediately get drunk. But it tastes so good and I've been good for a very long time so what's the harm in just one more? Or maybe even two more. And if the guy next to me wants to buy me a drink, who am I to say no? He's just being polite. "Thanks." I say after downing the shot.

He extends his hand. "Carlisle."

I accept. "Bella." I smile, feeling the effects of the alcohol on me. I'm such a lightweight now.

"You want another drink?" he offers.

I really should say no. I've had enough. "That would be nice." I smile, placing my hand on top of his. "So what are you doing here all alone?" I ask, hoping that he doesn't have a girlfriend somewhere. But what do I care? A girlfriend has never stopped me before and I'm not about to let it now.

He smiles. "I've got some friends who are supposed to meet me here." He glances at his watch. "But they're already an hour late."

I smile coyly and bat my eyelashes just enough to get his attention. "I guess they aren't very good friends." I quickly down my shot and order myself another and one more for Carlisle. "Well, I wouldn't make anyone drink alone, it's just not right. And I certainly wouldn't wait for anyone that long. Things to see, people to do." I shrug and drink my shot. I jump from my barstool and take a step towards the door before I turn back to him. "You coming?" He doesn't respond, he just looks at me with a confused expression. "Like I said things to see, people to do." I shrug and stick out my bottom lip just a little bit. He finally gets my point and grins.

And before I know it were back at my place, clothes falling to the floor. I bite my lower lip and giggle pulling Carlisle into my bedroom by the belt loops of his unzipped pants. It's been way too long since I've had fun like this. I push him onto my bed and watch him crawl back until his head hits the pillow. I slip out of my pants, not bothering to be sexy or to even to slow enough to tease. I think we're both over that stage. We've both gotten to the part where we just want what we want and we want it now.

I crawl into bed with him, removing the rest of our clothing. I attach my lips to his and let my tongue dance with his. We roll around in bed, hands roaming, just enjoying the company of another person for a few minutes before he's got me on my back. It feels good to be back.

I wake to the sound of a phone going off. It's not my phone. It must be the guy's who has his arm draped over my body. I sit up, waking Carlisle in the process. "They're probably wondering where the hell I am." He mutters rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I watch him try to focus on where he is but the unfamiliar territory in the darkness makes that impossible. "Will you get that for me?" he politely asked.

I make my way through the darkness and remove his phone from the pocket of his jeans and answer with a sleepy hello. "Oh." And that's all I need. I immediately end that conversation and throw the phone at the sleepy Carlisle invading my bed.

"Why didn't you tell me who your fucking friends were?" I shout grabbing at whatever clothes that I could find and throwing them on.

Why does this shit always happen to me? I wasn't even trying this time. "I didn't think it mattered." Carlisle responds still waking up. "It's not like you even asked. And I assumed you knew already."

I just stop listening and start cursing, I am not up for this. I scour my cupboards for some consolation but everything is gone. I grab my pack of cigarettes and lock myself in my office and dial the one person who could make this better. "Jasper, I made a mistake," I say as soon as he answers. How do I explain that his bandmate, Carlisle, is lying confused and naked in my bed? And that Edward called to find him and I answered the phone? "I need you, Jazz," I say sobbing softly as I stare at the empty canvas in front of me.

He sighs. "I'm out with the guys celebrating. Alice is here."

"Jazz, I need you," I continue to plead.

"No," he stated simply. "Not this time." More tears fell from my eyes. He's never told me no before. "It's time to grow up. You need to learn how to clean up your own messes." And with that he hung up.

I stare in disbelief for a moment before drying my eyes and walking back into the bedroom. I switched on the light and found Carlisle groping the floor searching for his clothes. "I'm sorry," I say flatly. "I didn't mean-Did I break your phone?"

"I think its okay," he says shifting his body to hide his nakedness from me. Not something I ever understood, we just had hot and sweaty sex after only knowing each other for about ten minutes and now he wants to be shy. We awkwardly stared at each other for a moment before he spoke. "You're wearing my pants."

I looked down. So I was. "I'm sorry." I responded and threw them at him before finding my own. "I'm not really this crazy normally." I smile shyly as he covers himself with his clothes. "I'm really sorry," I repeat and my cell phone rings in my hands.

Carlisle just continues to stare at me as I answer. "You slept with Carlisle!" I hear Jasper shout.

"Jasper! I didn't know it was him. He's new. I didn't meet him before. So how was I supposed to know? And how did you find out?" I frown. "I was cleaning up my own mess like you said and you still managed to find out!" My hand covers my mouth, held open in shock. "Does Edward know?"

Carlisle interjects, "Jasper? Edward?"

"Is that Carlisle?" Jasper responds.

"I fucked up again," I say and hand my phone to Carlisle.

XXXXX

Edward left with Jasper to go and write or just hang out, I don't know. I think he just needed to get away from me. I was difficult to be around with my birthday approaching quickly. Somehow I ended up in an old friend's apartment. It wasn't the first time that I had cheated on Edward. But it was the first time that we hadn't shouted at each other that we weren't even arguing at the time. It was stupid. I knew what I was doing and I knew that he would most likely find out. But it didn't matter to me. I couldn't stop myself from knocking on his apartment door. And I couldn't help myself from pressing my lips to his. And I couldn't help myself as my hand wandered down his pants. He hesitated and I cracked a smile. I raised my eyebrow and pulled the plastic baggie from my back pocket. He didn't hesitate that time.

The baggie was quickly emptied and my hips were pressing hard against his. Our hands wandered aimlessly over each other's bodies as if it were the first time our fingers have ever felt flesh. Clothes were stripped and ripped off and we didn't even bother to fumble our way to the bedroom. The couch, the floor, the balcony, anything surface immediately available to us we utilized.

The hours slowly passed, it felt more like days, as we continued to experiment and explore. We finally wore out and made our way to the bedroom and slept. But I was suddenly awoken as the sheets were thrown off of my naked body and I was being dragged from bed. "What the fuck!" I shout and struggle to his my attacker but the drugs have worn me down. "Get off me!" The moonlight pours into the window and illuminates Edward's form. "Just fucking leave me alone."

"Get dressed," he seethes as he throws a sweatshirt towards me.

"I said to leave me alone." I stand and get back into bed. But he grabs my arm and pulls me to my feet. "Shouldn't your hands be around my neck?" I glare at him and try my best to sound angry.

"Put some fucking clothes on." He doesn't raise his voice, he just commands. And I listen, throwing the sweatshirt over my head.

"How did you know where I was?" I ask, backing away from him as I throw my hair back into a ponytail.

He studies every move I make. "Emmett sobered up and called me I look away and pull the sweatshirt down, I suddenly feel too exposed.

"Then why are you here?" I say, trying to mask the hurt in my voice. He doesn't respond, he just watches me writhe under the pressure. After a minute of silence he steps forward and grabs my arms attempting to lead me out of Emmett's bedroom and back to the real world. "Get off me!" I shout and pull away, but his grip on my arms tightens. "I don't need you to fucking save me!" I finally release. "I'm not a charity case! I don't need you to fix me! I can't be fixed! I've been way beyond that for years." I laugh as the tears start to fall. He continues to hold me tight and I can't stand it. He won't give up. He won't let go. "I fucked your best friend and you are still playing the white knight," I scoffed, trying to force him away. His grip loosened and I shook him off, backing up slowly to the corner. The look on his face broke my heart, but I couldn't let him know that. I forced the tears back and smiled. "Don't you even want to know how it was?"

He groaned and lunged forward, slamming me against the wall. His fingers grasped my jaw and holds me in place, forcing me to stare into his eyes. I can feel my walls crumbling. "Like you'd even remember," he said through a clenched jaw, his breath warm on my face, his nose nearly brushing mine. We've held this stance many times as lovers when the passion strikes us and this doesn't feel much different. We're still filled with passion, just the kind that feels more like hate than love. "You need help," he said and released me but he didn't back up.

I fidgeted, scratching my neck, shifting my weight from one leg to the other, refusing to look him in the eye. "I don't need help." I shook my head. He grabbed my arm and lifted my sleeve, proving me wrong. "I don't need help." I repeated and walked past him quickly searching for the door.

My hand was on the knob as Edward throws the dirty spoon at me. "You don't have a choice this time."

XXXXX

My office door opens and in walks Carlisle, now fully clothed. "So you're the girl."

"Bella," I say and hold out my hand. He accepts awkwardly.

"I won't tell if you won't," he says and pulls up a chair beside me.

"It doesn't really matter anymore." I rest my head in my hands and heavily sigh. "I'm pretty sure he knows."

Carlisle shakes his head. "Jasper said he didn't-doesn't."

I nod my head and bite my lip. "Of course he wouldn't recognize the sound of my voice anymore." It hurts to say considering I could still recognize his sigh over the phone.

Carlisle pauses awkwardly. "I'm supposed to-"

I interrupt. "I'm fine. Really." I nod. "Jasper might not have faith in me but he should." I sigh and look deep into his eyes. "I really am sorry."

"You don't need to be." He says, resting his hand on my thigh. "I should really get back before they start to wonder." He stands and walks to the door. "I know it would be awkward but you are welcome to come."

I smile and shake my head. "Thanks but I'm really not ready for that yet." He nods and walks out. And I'm left alone again.


	14. 14: I'm Not Crazy I Just Lost My Will

**Chapter 14**

**I Know I'm Not Crazy, I Just Lost My Will**

After narrowly escaping another Edward centric debacle I sit down at the kitchen table. These mishaps have been happening far too frequently. Anyone who has known me long enough will say that it looks like my life is finally coming together. I haven't taken drugs in four months. And tonight was the first time I've been drunk in a very long time. And on the rare occasion I've even been spotted smiling. But what they can't see from were they are is just how much my life has unraveled.

Since moving out here, I haven't been happy. Not that I think I really have been for most of my life. It might look like it to an outsider. But these past four months all I've been doing is pretending. Moving across the entire fucking country did nothing for me. It didn't make me not love Edward. In fact I think I love him even more now that I ever have. That whole absence makes the heart grow fonder…I always thought it was just a bunch of shit but now I'm convinced. And what the hell am I supposed to do? He seems to be convinced that he wants to see me. Writing me letters. Writing me songs. Sending me flowers. How can I ever get over him if he won't let me go?

And maybe the biggest disaster that is now affecting my life. My mother. If you can really call her that. Sure, she did give birth to me after caring me in her womb for nine months. The very fabric of my DNA might be half hers. But that is all she ever gave me. I have not one fond memory of her. She never checked my closets and under my bed for monsters before reading me a bedtime story and tucking me in. I can't even remember one hug or kiss or even something as simple as a loving smile from her. She wasn't there to help me through the difficult transition from little girl to young woman. And my Aunt and Uncle were far from affectionate either. They never really cared either, I think they just took me in for the paycheck that came from raising a fallen rock stars daughter.

I finally moved on with chapter of my life. As much as I could. I let that all go. I moved out here where no one knew who I was. No one knew my history. I finally stopped having nightmares. Because I finally stopped thinking about it. The monster that created me was safely locked up all the way across the country and she had no idea where I was. But the letters and the calls. And the fact that she was up for parole. I can't imagine a world with her freely living outside those iron bars. I can't exist in a world with her. She is a poison. And even from the safety of prison her poison drifts though the air and makes its way into my veins, making me manic.

So I sit at the cleared table solemnly, staring at three white envelopes and a bouquet of flowers. And from here I contemplate just what my options are.

Nothing. Just keep living my life ignoring these new issues and hope that they never actually hunt me down to finish me off.

Find Edward and give him the closure he seems to be looking for.

Go to Washington, petition to the parole board at my mother's parole hearing and hope they listen to my desperate pleas.

Move. Start over again. But this time do it in secret. Leave every shred of my former self behind. No more contact with old friends. Nothing. Maybe go to foreign country and be swept away in its romance. But that seems almost impossible for me.

Seek comfort and solace in what has always been a kind of savior to me, drugs and alcohol. Four months of sobriety has got to count for something, right?

I don't think that I'm ready for this one. The one thing that always seemed to be in the back of my mind. To some it might sound like an extreme solution to a rather mundane set of problems. An ex boyfriend and a crazy mother. Who doesn't have those issues? But those people also weren't me. They didn't have a complex history with drugs and alcohol, constantly clouding my thoughts. They didn't have the complicated emotional history with those people. They didn't have this evil DNA. They didn't have this depraved blood running through their veins.

Maybe I was ready for it. Maybe the best solution to all my problems past, present and future was to just give up. Everyone knows I'm good at that. How many times did I give up on the relationship with Edward only to give up on giving up and find my way back to him?

I stare that the three envelops on the table. Even if I haven't actually read a word inside of them I knew that they didn't hold the answers. So I wouldn't read them. Instead I would write a letter of my own. Even if it's not the true definition of Occam's Razor, I will believe in it. For the simplest answer is always the best.

XXXXX

It was the night that led my wrists to never be free from restraints again. Scars that I always cover. The telltale scars of my infinite sadness.

As soon as Jasper walked into the tiny apartment he spotted me sitting on the floor in my bra, panties, stockings and black high heels. He sat beside me and I rested my head on his shoulder. He brushed his fingers through my hair as I sobbed onto his sweatshirt and kissed my forehead. "What did you do, baby?"

"She left it for me." But my response is hardly audible over the sniffles and sobs and general hysteria encompassing me. "Because she knew I couldn't do it without help. Someplace she knew only I would find it." He continued to comfort me, gently rubbing my back as my breaths come in ragged pants from the continued sobs. "It's not working!" I shouted and removed the black heels from my feet and throw them across the messy apartment. "I just want it to stop. I need it to stop. Make it stop." I continued to sob. And being the amazing friend he is, he just sat there and let my mascara stain his favorite sweatshirt. "Make it stop," I continued to chant as he rocked me back and forth gently.

After minutes of this my tears finally dried up and Jasper lifted my chin and forced me to look at him. I've never felt more guilty in my entire life. "Let's get you cleaned up." Is all he said. No yelling. Not even a disappointed look. His eyes just look sad. And not that pity sad that I always get. Just sad.

He washed my face for me and helped me reapply my makeup. "I'm sorry," I said. I know he's disappointed in me but he won't show it. He understands. At least this time. Dealing with death is never easy, who was he to critisize me in drugging myself to help with the grief? He nodded his head and instructed me to lift my arms so he could put my dress on me. He sat me on the bed and got me a glass of water. I didn't deserve a friend like him. I sipped the water and looked up at him, tears threatening to spill again when I met his eyes. His sweet brown eyes filled with so much sadness. "It's my fault," I choked out. "I should have-I could have…"

Jasper again wrapped his arms around me and hushed me, trying his best to comfort me. It's not like I made her kill herself. I couldn't have stopped it. But that's just the thing. I might have been able to change things. She could have had a better life. She had potential. She had promise. I fucked that all up. It should be me lying in that coffin, my eyes closed in that final sleep. "Angela did this to herself, baby. She was a troubled kid that...I don't know but it's not your fault." But he didn't know. No one will ever know. I will carry this guilt with me until the day I die. It should have been me. I brought her into that lifestyle. "We better get going." He nodded, grabbing a coat for me.

After he got dressed he lead me out into his car and I leaned my head against the glass and watched the world spin by. "Has Edward called you?" I asked hesitantly, gnawing on my bottom lip nervously. Jasper shook his head. I don't know what I was expecting. Of course he wouldn't try to call me or Jasper. He doesn't care. He was just in it for the sex. He just wanted to use me like everyone else. Jasper's the only person that I've got left in the world.

I sat in corner, trying to blend in, trying to not break down here. I hid at the funeral that I had made arrangements for and paid for as her undeserving parents, my former guardians got all the support and condolences. The burning hatred bubbled inside my veins. Jasper sat beside me, gripping my hand so tightly that I thought he was cutting off circulation.

My eyes scanned the room and out of the corner of my eye I catch my Uncles gaze on me, that familiar glint in his eye. I resisted the urge to walk over and give him a piece of my mind. He's not worth it. I won't let him upset me. I excuse myself from Jasper and walked to the bathroom. Too many people. I hate these public bathrooms. I search the funeral parlor finding an empty viewing room all for myself. I closed the door and hideaway in the corner, frantically searching my purse. I curse to myself and dump everything to the floor and sit, in a very unladylike manor, my dress hiked up past my thighs, and rummage through the contents. "Looking for this?" Jasper entered the room, extracting a baggie from his pocket.

"Give it to me!" I shouted. "I need it!" Desperately crawling on my knees over to him. He protested, giving me a lecture that I refuse to pay attention to. He just doesn't get it. "She left it to me. She left it for this!" He furrowed his brow trying to understand my words and I just keep shouting. I don't care if people can hear me or not. "She left it for me with a note, in a place where only I would find it. I need it, Jazz," I begged, sobbing at his feet. "She knew I needed it! You have no idea!" He just stood there and watched me breakdown. When I was reduced to nothing but a sobbing child he sat down in front of me and cradled me again. "I can't do this alone," I whisper.

He kissed the top of my head. "You have me." He sighed. "You'll always have me." There is a pause that lasted for several minutes before he continued. "You need help, Bella."

I shook my head, wiping the tears from my face. "No, Angie needed help." I sniffled. "All I need is for you to give it back to me."

Jasper didn't respond however someone did. "Give it back to her," Edward says, walking in looking very good in his respectable suit hands in his pockets, looking down to the floor uncomfortably.

Jasper sighed and conceded, handing me back my salvation. He walked out, staring Edward down the entire time. My shaky hands held the baggie as tight as possible. I couldn't lose it again. Edward walked over and sat beside me watching as I carefully measured out a line. "How'd you find me?" I asked as soon as the drug was in my system, trying to clean the smeared makeup from my face.

"I called Mr. Conway." He nodded, uneasily.

I looked up into his soft green eyes, new tears threatening to fall. I felt so lost. I felt so alone. "All you had to do was call me," I say, my voice soft and scared, bursting with sadness. A frown tugged at the corners of my mouth and I felt a warm tear drop from my eyes. I wiped it away quickly and ran out of the room into the safety of the rental car. I started the car, hands shaking wildly as they gripped the wheel as I make my way back to Angela's apartment.

I poured the white powder over the floor and I found solace in the present that Angela left me. I let the beautiful drug slowly take over my senses. Every negative emotion leaving my body leaving me feeling weightless and free. I sat for a second as my mind went a hundred miles an hour in another direction. Angela ended her life there. It seemed only fitting that I do the same. After all, we grew up, living the same basic hell. Sure mine was justified. When I moved in with her, she was an innocent kid and I ruined that for her. To selfishly rid myself of the sadness I filled myself with drugs. She followed suit, looking up to the cool 'rock star's daughter'. I introduced her to a world of drugs, pain and depression. Maybe if we never lived together she would be a preschool teacher, married with three kids a dog and a house. Maybe she would have the American dream. It seemed doubtful. After all, her parents were lowlifes. The same evil that ran through my mother's veins ran through my Uncle's as well. But it was possible that her life could have been happy and normal without me.

So with my mind consumed with guilt and a drug induced haze I held the razor to my wrist and pressed firmly. An overwhelming sting of pain made my adrenaline rush, my high increasing as I watched the small red river flow down my arm and to the dirty hardwood floors. I switched the blade to the other hand and repeated the process. I didn't even bother to write notes. I didn't exactly have a lot of friends. Edward didn't care. I should have written something for Jasper. He at least deserved that. But as my life slowly fell from my body and pooled on the floor, all I could think about was sleep. So I lied on my side and stared at the only thing left in the apartment. A picture of Jasper, Edward, Angela and myself. All with happy smiles on our faces. I close my eyes happy that was the last sight of my life.

But of course it wasn't. I'm not sure who it was that came to my rescue that night. They never told. But when I woke in the hospital they were both at my side, offing their love and support.

XXXXX

I had removed my wristband and stared at my old scar, my finger tracing the deep lines. It's not that I want to kill myself. I just want to do something stupid. That's why I used to take so many drugs. But I have no drugs so there just seems to be one stupid thing left to do. I grab a knife and I pressed down just enough to make a small cut and allow a small amount of warm blood to get lost on the outside of my body. And as I watch as beads of blood to form and slowly flow down my arm I come to my senses. Fuck Occam's Razor! That's just stupid scientific jargon used to make guessing sound smart. I drop the knife, a loud clatter as it falls from my hand to the table and finally to the floor. I start to cry and hold my wrists out in front of me, watching the blood come slowly.

"I heard a noise." Jacob chooses that moment to walk in.

"What are you doing up?" I ask, cursing his timing. I must have looked like something from a horror film; tear stained face and bloodied hands.

He ignores me as his vision falls to the small pool of blood on the table. "Fuck, Bella." He slams the door behind him and rushes over to me.

He reaches for my cell phone but I grab hold of his arm with a painfully hard grip. "Don't you dare," I growl, shaking my head at him. "Don't you dare breathe a word of this to anyone." He drops my phone to the table and settles into the chair across from me. He doesn't say anything, he just watches me with his judgmental brown eyes. "It was an accident."

"It doesn't look like an accident to me." He refuses to look into my eyes. I can tell how terrified he is. He is just a boy after all. A boy afraid that any word that carelessly fumbles from his lips would make me kill myself right then and there in front of him. "Like, how the fuck do you accidentally slice your wrist? It just doesn't happen."

"I know," I sigh. "It's really difficult for me to put into words." I wipe at the tears falling down my cheeks. "And it doesn't really matter anyway. I didn't really do anything. It's more like a bad paper cut."

"Shut up!" He shouts at me. "Stop making excuses for everything," he chastises. "That's all you ever do." He rolls his eyes and searches my hall closest for a first aid kit. "Let me guess it wasn't your fault."

"You're being particularly mean."

"And you're being a particularly dumb bitch." He runs an alcohol pad over my wound, making it sting. "You're an adult, learn to deal with all of your issues like an adult." He dresses the cut with a bandage and returns to his seat. "I'm 14. I'm in the middle of God's cruel experiment that is puberty. My parents are getting a divorce. My girlfriend dumped me before I even got to touch her boobs. I failed math last year. Had my underwear stolen at school and put on display in the girl's locker room last year, still not sure how that whole thing went down, but it did. I get an erection if I even so much as think of a girl smiling at me. And just last week, my dad caught me smoking and my mom walked in on me while I was…you know. I know none of that compares to what happened with your mom. But to me, all those extremely personal things I told you about…they all seem like the end of the world for me. Because I am 14. You are 24. You're much better equipped to handle all sorts of issues. I shouldn't be the one that has to worry about you. I shouldn't be the one on suicide watch."

"I know." I stare at the table uncomfortably, having just been put in my place by a 14-year-old kid.

"And might I add, that if you didn't use drugs as an escape all those years ago, maybe you wouldn't be such a fucked up mess today. Maybe you would actually be over it." He stands and gets himself a beer from my fridge.

"What did I tell you about that, kid."

"Hey!" he shouts. "You don't get to lecture me anymore. If I'm going to stay here all night making sure you don't do something dumb… I'm going to drink. Because I'm 14 and I get to make these stupid mistakes. Come on what kind of trouble were you getting into at 14?"

"A lot more than beer." I nodded.

"Yeah, I thought so. So yeah, shut the fuck up." He cracks it open and takes a long empowering drink.

"I wasn't really thinking of killing myself." I explained. "It crossed my mind for a second. But I knew it was stupid. I just wanted to make a small cut. A little reminder. I need an outlet."

"Then fucking paint a picture! What the fuck were you trying to do?"

I shrug. "Trying to induce a life changing epiphany." I sigh heavily. "This is the first time in my life that I'm dealing with adult issues on my own. Really on my own." I light a cigarette. "I always had help in drugs. Or an escape in sex. Or something equally as stupid. That's what the knife was, the next progression in stupid. Making a small insignificant cut to… You wouldn't really understand the whole cutting thing. That's way too complicated to explain right now. And I'm still a little drunk. Please don't lecture me on that too. There is a long story involved in that…" I ramble. "But getting back to my issues…And for a long time there was Edward. He was a good voice of reason. And Jasper. Jasper was always my guardian angel. He was always there when I needed him. But lately he's been… he has so much other shit on his plate. And I get it. He doesn't need to deal with my bullshit. And he shouldn't have to. He's getting married. He'll be having a family soon. And I think he's just sick of me." I slide my wristband back over the bandage.

"You're talking stupid again." Jacob warns. "Jasper will always be there for you. And now you might not realize it, but even his fiancée will be there for you. And I'm right here, asshole."

"Like you said, I should be babysitting you. Not the other way around."

"I don't need a babysitter." He glares. "And neither do you. But I thought that somehow in some weird and fucked up way we became friends. You know, the type of people you call to talk when you're drunk and thinking of doing something stupid."

"But you're just a kid."

"And you act like one so I think we're even."

"I hate it when you're right." I grimace. That kid. I love him. "You're just like Jasper." I state simply, lifting my head slowly to look at him with a smile. "You're too smart for your own damn good. And for some reason you seem to be very protective of me but I'm the adult and I'm supposed to be looking after you."

"Yeah, I don't see that happening." He shakes his head. "And since we're at a safe place in our conversation now I feel the need to tell you that you aren't wearing any pants. Or from what I can tell…a bra." He stutters. "And because I'm a 14-year-old boy it's beginning to make me a little... uncomfortable given the circumstances."

I raise an eyebrow and roll my eyes. "You're such a little perv." I grab a pair of Jasper's boxers from the floor and threw them on. Why he has a pair of boxers on my floor, I do not know, nor do I really want to.

"But an honest little perv." He shrugs. "So you're okay?"

"I'm okay." I give him a reassuring nod. I walk to the bedroom to find a real pair of pants. Wearing Jasper's possibly dirty boxers just isn't going to cut it for me. Plus, I've already flashed Jacob once so the more clothing I can wear at this point the better. I turn back to him as he steps into the doorframe. "How are you?"

He looks at me with confusion. "I'm good."

"You taking the divorce news well?"

He nods again. "It's about fucking time."

I sit on the bed and he leans against the doorframe now waiting for my big reveal. I sigh, he's going to find out anyway. "I fucked Carlisle."

Jacob moves and sits beside me. "And?"

I turn to look at him with my face drawn in confusion. "What you want a detailed report?"

"No." He shakes his head as if trying to shake loose that idea from his mind. "What's the big deal? No offence but you…" He trails off not wanting to finish the sentence. Smart boy. But I don't really give a fuck. I know I've been a bit of a slut. Or a lot of one for that matter.

I sigh heavily. "I fucked another member of his band. That's what!"

"Oh. _That_ Carlisle." Jacob's eyes grow wide. "Well, h-what do you mean another?"

I cringe. "You're too young to be hearing of my sexual exploits." I pat his head affectionately. "But the moral of the story is don't have casual sex. It'll eventually come back to bite you in the ass."

"I can't even get a girl to let me touch her boobs let alone have sex." He rolls his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?" Jacob asks.

I exhale loudly and rest my head on his shoulder. "I'm never going to be okay, baby."

"Bella," Jacob sighs heavily. "I love you to death but Jesus!" He shouts and immediately stands. "You can't just sit here and cry about how much your life sucks. Everyone's life sucks!"

I suck in my bottom lip and stare at him. "You sound just like him." I crack a small smile.

He turns to me slowly and furrows his brow. "What? Jasper?"

"No." I shake my head. "Edward."


	15. 15: Blood and Connections

**Chapter 15**

**Blood and Connections**

Jacob refused to leave me alone, afraid that I'd do something stupid. But the moment was over. He sat on my couch and continued to drink beer, desperately trying to keep himself awake but eventually his eyelids began to droop and slowly close. I pulled the blanket off my bed and covered him up. It was the least I could do.

And because sleep was not an option for me right now, I again sat at my kitchen table and stared at the envelopes on the table. And it was time for me to as Alice would say 'stop being a pussy and just get it over with'.

I don't think I could handle anything my mother had to say without some moral support so that would have to wait until the morning. But I could deal with Edward. Even if I don't see him everyday, my thoughts are still consumed with him. And I deserved whatever angry words he had to say to me. With trembling hands I pulled the envelope open again and set the sheet music aside and concentrated on the note he tucked inside.

_Bella, _

_I don't know how I am going to find the words to properly express myself to you. It would be easier if I could do this in person or even over the phone but Jasper refuses to let me know how to contact you. He refuses to answer any question involving you._

_There's a lot I don't know. But what I do know is that I love you and I miss you. And for me, that's all that matters._

_Words cannot express how I feel or how I've felt since the moment you walked out the door. You've been everything to me for so long, I feel like a part of me is missing and that I can never be complete again without you. I owe you so much and and haven't really given much in return. I made your life so much harder than it needed to be. You've already been through so much._

_I've written something for you for everyday you've been gone and none of them have yet to capture it exactly. But it's been too long and it's now coming down to the now or never time._

_I'm not Shakespeare. I won't be able to write a play that will live on forever to immortalize my love for you. I can't write you a book. I can't paint you a picture. I'm just a mediocre musician that owes all of his success to you. So all I have to offer you is a song. It's not much. And it's not even that good. But it's who I am and it's all I've got. _

_I'm not going to beg you to come back, though I wish you would. And I don't blame you for leaving. I just want you to know that you're happy doing whatever it is you're doing wherever you are. _

_Please just grant me one last wish. Let me see you. That's all I ask. I just need to see you once more. Even if it is just to say goodbye. Until then I will remain and desperate and lonely man waiting for your reply._

_I will always love you,_

_Edward_

I stared at the letter written in his flawless script in amazement. It didn't even sound like him. Where was the anger and the resentment that he always had? He never paid compliments like that. Our relationship wasn't the fairytale he was painting in that letter. We were a mess, me more so than him obviously. But we were far from classic romantics.

And those were the exact opposite words I was expecting to find. I was expecting something more along the lines of I hope to choke and die. But those words… he always knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I was like putty in his gentle and expert hands. He always did know how to get exactly what he wanted out of me.

XXXXX

The night before was long but fun. And I woke up with the worst hang over ever and as everyone knows the only way to cure a hangover is to get drunk again. So that is exactly what I did. Drink, paint, repeat. And somewhere between the vodka and tequila Jasper called.

"Great news, Bella!" he shouted, his voice full of enthusiasm.

"Shhh," I said holding the phone away from my ear. "Too loud. Turn it down."

"Sorry," he apologized. "But this is huge! There were some suits at the gig we played last night and loved us! They want to sign us."

"That's great," I said, my voice no where near as excited as his was.

"Come on, can't you sound a little excited?"

"Sorry, Jazz." I threw back another shot. "I am excited. Come over. Let's celebrate."

There was a moment of silence between us. "Well we were going to celebrate as a band."

"The more the merrier," I reminded him. "What kind of party would it be with just the two of us? Plus we're all still eighteen where else are you going to go to celebrate?"

The band was there within fifteen minutes and in another hour the house was filled with everyone else we knew.

Emmett was already loaded and arguing with me about the supremacy of one drum set to another. Not like I really cared either way, he just makes really funny faces when he gets mad and it amused me when I was drunk. Edward approached us from behind, since the first time we had meet, I had successfully been able to avoid him. And occasionally piss him off from a distance. I don't take rejection very well. And he seemed to be fine with our current situation. He was content to avoid me as well. But something was different about that day. He walked up to us and smiled directly at me. I sneered at him and leaned into Emmett, wanting very much to kiss him in front of Edward.

"I really wish you'd stop doing that," Edward sighed.

"What?" I asked, forgetting all about Emmett.

He crossed his arms across his chest and gave me a crooked smile. "Kissing people in front of me, trying to make me jealous."

"Who says I'm trying to make you jealous?" I asked incredulously.

"It's very apparent." He nodded. "You liked it when I kissed you and you want to do it again."

"If I wanted to kiss you, I would kiss you." I took a small step in his direction. A very drunk and happy Edward was fun.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "You're too stubborn to do that."

"And how would you know that?" I asked, giving him just a little bit of an attitude.

He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "You're a very easy read."

"Oh, is that right?" I took another small step towards him. "Well, since I'm so easy to read why don't you tell me more about myself then?"

He smiled at this and closed the distance between us, bringing us toe to toe. "You like me," he said his smile growing wider into a childlike grin. "You really like me. You want to kiss me again. And you don't want to stop at a kiss either. You find me quite irresistible."

"Quite the opposite actually," I laughed him off. "I find you vile, repulsive and I think you're an asshole."

"No, you just want to think I'm an asshole because I wouldn't take advantage of you."

"You can't take advantage of someone if they want it," I defend.

"So you do find me irresistible?" he teases arching his eyebrow and giving me a victorious smirk.

"No," I scoff. "Don't be ridiculous." I shake my head and take a step backwards.

"It's not ridiculous," he says stepping towards me again. He brushed a stray hair out of my face. "I bet if I kissed you, you would kiss me back."

"Why the sudden change of heart? I thought you wanted to be chivalrous and not take advantage of me in my altered state of mind." And where did this sexy and assertive Edward come from? I was beginning to think he was a bit of a pussy. But it seems alcohol does wonderful things to this man.

"Honestly, I find you quite irresistible. And like you said, it's not taking advantage if you want it."

"And who says I want it?" I challenged, stepping to bring us even closer together, our noses almost touching. I hadn't had that much fun with a guy I wasn't having sex with in a very long time.

"Well, we've already agreed that you find me irresistible and that you'd like me to kiss you again. But your racing heart and rapid breathing also give you away."

I laughed and playfully pushed him away. "There is no way for you to be able to know that."

"Sure there is," he leaned into me and put his ear right up to my chest. "See, it's very fast."

"So what if it is?" my voice suddenly much smaller than I intended it to be. My hear beats even faster and I hope this is going where I thinks it is. "What are you going to do about it?"

He pauses for a brief moment before he speaks, "First, I'm going to kiss you. And you're going to kiss me back. And if all goes well you're going to show me to your bedroom where things are going to get physical. You'll tell me that I'm the best you've ever had and we'll fall asleep together," he said with a shrug. "The morning I'd like to play by ear, if that's okay with you?"

"Where was all this confidence the last time we spoke?" I asked kind of disappointed that we could have been doing this a long time ago.

He gave me another crooked smile. "Haven't you heard? We got a call from Voturi Records. There was a representative at the show last night and they loved us."

"Yeah, that's fantastic." I smile for him. "But might I suggest you hire a good agent before your meeting. Aro is a great businessman. He'll make you a household name but he'll rob you blind in the process."

Edward drew his brow together. "How did you know it was Aro that called?"

My eyes grew wide. "Aro called?" I almost shouted. "He called you personally?"

"Yeah, didn't Jasper tell you that?"

"Felix and Dem said they liked you. But fuck! Aro doesn't do shit personally."

"What are you talking about?" Edward asked, interrupting me. "How would you…" he trailed off.

I ignored Edward and batted my eyelashes. I always talk too much. And I'm a terrible liar. "Can we stop talking now? I was promised kissing," I reminded him.

"Oh, there will be kissing. Just as soon as you tell me everything you know."

"I don't know anything," I said innocently.

"Shit! How did I not see it before? Representatives from record labels don't just go into small dive bars in Washington."

"Not generally but stranger things have happened." I shrug my shoulders.

"You did it," Edward answered. "I don't know how. But I know you had something to do with it. You know what? It really doesn't matter because all my dreams are coming true. No, you know what? Tell me. How'd you do it?" I didn't respond. "How?"

"Hmm, I feel like there should be kissing first. You did promise me kissing first." I ignored him.

"Did I? I don't seem to recall the moment in question."

I pulled back from him. "This kissing better be worth it. I've never been strung along for this long before," I said coyly.

"How about I give you a quick preview then?" He arched his eyebrow suggestively. But he didn't wait for my response before he brought his lips to mine. His lips were soft and smooth as the moved against mine. His tongue ran along my lips and I opened my moth to him. My body arched into his and I didn't care who was around to see it but I would have fucked him then and there if he would have let me. Just as my hand fell on his waistband he pulled away from me.

"Do you want to answer my question?" He smirked at me.

I ignored him. "Do you want to have sex now?"

"You first."

"It was my father's company. I inherited the majority of the label when my father died." I shrugged, taking his face in my hands and joining our lips again for a quick but passionate kiss. "You tell Jasper and I will fucking kill you." I grabbed his hand led him behind me. "Now let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"Well, you have a way with words, Eddie. I do happen to find you irresistible. And we already kissed. So according to your plan I think this is the part where I take you to my bedroom and things get physical."

"Oh," he laughed. "Sounds good to me."

XXXXX

How did he always do this to me? Just when I thought I had him figured out he goes and does something to completely change the game. I let the letter slip from my fingers and watch it gracefully float down to the floor then focus my attention on the sheet music he has left for me. I can't just read it, the words would just be words. I need to hear the music, to find the tone. I need to hear his voice because it wouldn't actually come to life without it.

A soft knock on my door sent me into full on panic mode. I quietly walked to the door and looked out the peep hole. I open the door, releasing a sigh of relief when I find Jasper waiting for me with an angry glare.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" he shouts as he walks in. I know he was at the bar with the guys but it looks like he's gone and gotten himself wasted.

"Shhh," I try to silence him by pointing at Jacob passed out on the couch.

"He sleeps here now?" Jasper asks as I pull him down the hall and into my bedroom.

I sigh, yet another thing I've messed up tonight. "He's drunk. It's a long story. I'm sure he'll tell you all about it when he wakes up." I sure don't want to. It'll just be another thing to yell at and probably commit me for. I crawl into my bed and sit and wait for him to yell some more.

"What the fuck were you thinking? Is there a reason that you have to fuck every member of the band?"

"Just a coincidence, I'm afraid. And I didn't mean it. I just wanted to get out. All this stuff is driving me crazy and I didn't want to start using again. I just thought that a night of moderate drinking and anonymous sex would help. And it was until it all blew up in my face." He glares at me in his judgmental and slightly angry way. "Jazz, I'm ok. I'm doing better. Rome wasn't built in a day." I pause for a minute and gather some courage. "Edward came to my door today." I look away from him when his eyes go wide with shock.

"He what?" Jasper shouted so loud I cringed. "He didn't tell me."

"I didn't talk to him. Jake lied and threw him out."

"So you got him drunk to thank him?"

"You're getting off topic," I change the subject. "I read his letter. It was..."

"Not what you were expecting," he sighs and sits beside me. "I know. You're both fucking crazy. You think he hates you, he thinks you hate him but you are both so desperately in love with each other its sickening. You get better away from him and he gets worse away from you."

My head snaps up and I stare at Jasper. No only is this the first time he has discussed Edward with me but I don't like what he has to say. "What do you mean he gets worse?"

He sighs dramatically. "Nothing."

"Jazz, you can't do that to me," I plead.

"Don't worry about it. I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that you're taking this better than him. I thought you would be a wreck with him trying to contact you and all. But you're not."

We sit still and silent for a minute. I want to keep pressing him for more information because I know there is more than he is telling me. But tonight is not the night. We've been through enough shit. "What do I do?" I ask, leaning my head against him.

"I don't know," he sighs and kisses the top of my head. "But I'm sure you'll figure it out on your own. I know I'm overbearing at times and don't always show it but I do see it. You are doing better. And I am proud of you."

"Thanks, Jazz."

We were interrupted as Jacob walks into my room. "I-uh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt or anything. Continue with the fucking," Jacob mumbles and stumbles around and bangs into the walls a few times. I've never really been sober to watch someone who is drunk before but it is highly amusing.

"Jake," I laugh and call him back. "It's fine. Nothing going on. It's Jasper and I would never let his cheat on Alice. Not that he would or anything," I ramble.

He walks back, stumbling over his feet a few times. He grins sheepishly as he stares at me and Jasper. "Why did you date Edward the douche when Jasper is so much fucking cooler?" Jake muses. "It's like you guys are dating anyway. Plus haven't you guys slept together before?"

"Why is he here?" Jasper asks me. "He's a kid. And he can really get _really _annoying."

"He's a good kid. And he's been good to me. He's helped me a lot. And I know he isn't even in high school yet but he's kind of the only friend I have out here. And you're drunk and he's drunk and you can both be very annoying," I point out. "We are so dysfunctional."

"I fucking love you guys!" Jake screams as he runs to us and wraps his arms around the both of us.

"You're right. He is really annoying. He's so much better when he's sober."

"And who got the kid drunk? It wasn't my idea." Jasper rolls his eyes.

And being the only sober one is not fun. Drunks are really annoying. "Jasper shut up. Jake, what do want?" I demand.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry I..." is all he gets out before he throws up all over the hallway floor. "So sorry," he says running into the wall as he tries to exit the room. "Oh," he turns back to us. "And I kind of threw up on your couch too." The kid always did know how to make an entrance.

"Like I said, we are so dysfunctional," I sigh and fall onto my bed.

"Aren't you going to clean that up?" Jasper and Jacob ask at the same time.

"No," I shake my head.

"But your couch..." Jacob insists.

"Fuck it. I'll buy a new one." Jacob starts to speak again but I shush him.

"What about your floor? Its going to stink and stain. It will be a stinking stain of my vomit. No one wants my stinky vomit stain. That's gross," Jacob whines.

"It's been a long day. Sleep," I say through a yawn. "Jasper lay down. Sleepy time."

"But I don't think that Al-"

"Shhh, sleep. Cuddle. It's fine. I'll behave."

"But..."

"I need company. She can come too if that's what you need." Jasper settles into my right and sends Alice a text.

"Can I come too?" Jacob asks.

"No," Jasper groans. "That will be weird and creepy. I can't share a bed with a kid."

"But the couch is all gross. Where do I sleep?" Jacob whines.

I sigh loudly. I really fucking hate drunk guys they're so annoying. "Over here, kid." I pat the small empty space to my left. Thank God I got a king size. "Just don't puke any more."

"Alice is excited for the cuddle party. She's on her way," Jasper says, nuzzling into my side. Do they make a bed bigger than a king because I think I might need it.

Ten minutes pass and I am about to fall asleep when I hear Jacob sniffling and I cringe. "Bathroom!" I shout. "If you're going to get sick you need to be in the bathroom. Because I will kill you if you throw up in here again."

"No," Jake sniffs again. "It's smells weird in here."

"It's just your puke. Ignore it. Sleep now," I demand.

"No, my vomit smells like vomit. This smells like...weird," Jacob continues.

Now I hear Jasper sniff. "The kids right. It does smell weird. It smells like..." He jumps up out of the bed. "Oh my God, Bella! It smells like sex!"

Jacob starts to laugh. "Sex has a smell? That's awesome! But weird. Why does it smell so weird?"

"This is where you did it!" He shouts. "You and Carlisle had sex in here. In this bed. Where you are now cuddling with a minor and your engaged best friend! I can't sleep in this bed now."

"Oh Jasper," Alice sighs, dancing into the room. "Don't be such a prude." She climbs into bed with me and Jacob and pulls Jasper down with her. "It's not like we didn't have sex here yesterday."

"That's why I found your boxers on my floor!"

"Sorry, Bella," Alice apologizes. "But the mood just struck. I'm sure you understand."

And I do so I really can't yell. "It's alright, Alice. I come to expect things like that. You've missed the discussion on how dysfunctional we all are."

"But I love our little dysfunctional family," She sighs in contentment. "It feels like home."

"Yeah, I guess it does." I smile.


	16. 16: The Tip of My Tongue

**Chapter 16**

**You're My Favorite Song, Always on the Tip of My Tongue**

It was a little after nine in the morning when I was outside my apartment door. I hardly had time to turn my key before the door flew open and Jasper was glaring at me. "Where the fuck have you been?"

"Nice to see you too, Jazzy. I brought breakfast." I lifted the brown paper bag filled with donuts into his face. "Mind getting the fuck out of my way so I can enter _my _apartment?"

"Where the fuck have you been?" Jasper repeats himself as I walk past him.

"Out. What the fuck is it to you?" I sat down at my table. I grabbed a chocolate donut and took a bite, staring at Edward's letter that sat at the table mocking me.

"I was worried as shit about you! You can't just leave like that... I..." he stops short and stares at me. "What have you done?"

"Jesus, Jasper! Are you ever going to let this go? I made a fuck ton of mistakes. I know that. I own up to that. But I've moved on. You said I was doing better. Why do you always assume the worst of me?" I argue.

He sighs and sits beside me, selecting a glazed donut. "I still worry about you. You're my best friend. I've seen how things have been in the past. I don't want you to go there again." He grabbed my arm and slid up my wrist band. I forgot all about the fresh wound until I heard his fists slam against the table. "What the fuck?"

"It's not what you think." I try to soothe him but I know it's no use.

"What else am I supposed to think? You get one letter from Edward and you fall apart. You go out and get drunk. You fuck one of my friends. And you fucking cut yourself, Bella! What else is there? What don't I know about? Did you go out in the middle of the night to score some blow? Crack? Heroin? Some other shit?"

"No," I say hanging my head in shame because that is exactly what I wanted to do. "I couldn't sleep. It was you. You kept elbowing me in the face and Alice... holy fuck, can she snore!"

"I didn't ask you about that shit! I asked you what the fuck you did all fucking night long!"

His shouting had woken my other guests and now Alice and Jacob were at the table. Alice was munching on a donut watching the fight and Jacob looked like shit.

"Ugh!" Jake groans. "Would everyone stop shouting. I think my head is going to explode."

"Tylenol, Gatorade and back to bed," I offer him advice that worked well for me through the years. He stumbles off, complaining as he searches.

"I couldn't sleep. And I couldn't stay here. I can't get away from him here. Carlisle and the phone call. The letters. The flowers. Him showing up at my door. I needed to get away and I needed to get out. I know you don't understand it. I don't expect any of you to because you aren't me. You don't have this fucked up head. I can't help it. I've tried everything but I can't stop it. It's who I am. I'm crazy." I paused for a moment and no one interrupted so I continued. "I went for a walk and I found places where I could have scored any drug I wanted. And I was tempted. I saw these people and I knew what was going on and I knew what I had to do to earn their trust and to get something that would help."

"Jesus, Bella. What the fuck were you thinking?" Jasper shouts.

I ignored him and continued with my story. "But I walked by and I didn't do it. I didn't think I could, but I did. But I turned around. I walked in circles, searching out every person who would be holding and dealing and guessing what they would have. How much it would be. Every pass I made, I was proud of myself for not giving in and I swore that I would just go home and be happy with that. But I found myself walking back. I couldn't walk away. That was a part of who I was for a long time. After about an hour I finally walked away. My hands were twitching and my body was shaking and it took everything in me to not go back and get something... anything." Jasper approached me and pulled me into his chest, patting my back in approval. "But it made me realize that I can't do it. Not like this. I can't do it on my own."

"You're not on your own," Jasper reminds me.

I sigh and pull away from him. "You say that now but last night you wanted me to man up and deal with my shit on my own."

He cringes a little at my words and shakes his head as Alice smacks his arm. "I was a little drunk. I'm sorry. You know how important you are to me and I would never turn my back on you."

"But your right. I do need to learn to do things on my own. You're getting married. You'll have a family. You'll be in Washington and I'll be here."

"I know you hate it here," he says with a sigh. "And I don't want to see you unhappy. And you're right, you do need to be around people for support and help. So when we're done recording. Come back with us. You can stay with Allie and me."

"That'll be so great!" Alice shouts.

"No, Jazz. You can't babysit me forever. I can do this. I might stumble a little but I can do this."

"I know you can."

"Besides, I have a plan."

"I'm almost afraid to ask but what's the plan?" Jasper groaned.

I call Jacob back to the room and he stumbled in reluctantly, glaring at me. "I've been spending my whole life running away from my issues. Hiding behind... every bad decision I could ever make. So if I really want to make changes, I have to change everything." I was afraid to say it out loud. Saying out loud made it real. It meant I couldn't back out from it. "Jacob, did you really mean what you said?"

"Huh?" he grunts, resting his head on the table. "I think I'm still drunk. Refresh my memory."

"Would you be my wing man?"

He lifts his head and gives me a disgusted look. "You want me to help you pick up dude? How awkward. And gross. And so not happening. I will never be that drunk in my life."

I shake my head. Poor kid. He's not the brightest crayon in the box, especially while nursing his first hangover. I'm such a horrible influence. "No!" I push him he stumbles from his chair and onto the floor. He is defiantly still drunk. "Eww, gross."

"What the fuck?" he whines as he climbs back into the chair. "Am I that drunk still, or is she not making any sense at all?" he asks Jasper and Alice. They just shrug in response.

I roll my eyes. It's now or never. Don't be a pussy and back out now. "Did you still want to come to Seattle with me?" They all turn quickly to stare at me with disbelieving eyes. "I already talked to your parents, this morning. It took a lot of convincing and possibly a little bribery but they agreed." No one spoke and Jacob looks at me as if I had grown an extra head. "They have noticed how difficult things have been on you and with the divorce and everything... I guess they thought it would be easier if you were removed from the situation for awhile. But it's up to you. The choice is yours. You can say no. I'm not going to..."

"Bella, I do not think it's funny. It's cruel. You shouldn't prank the drunk kid like this," he whined.

"It's not a joke. Ask your parents. But maybe wait until you sober up a little bit." He stares at me, still not believing. "We had a good discussion this morning, your parents and I. I had a lot of insights on being a kid caught between feuding parents. And they agreed that there are only so many options for you given their current situation... you could either choose one parent to stay with and be stuck in a custody battle, you stay with your grandparents until things died down and still be caught in a custody battle or you could stay with me and kind of be away from the worst of it. But we all decided that the choice would be yours. It's your life and everyone wants what is best for you. So think about it."

"Fuck that!" He shouts, standing up and wrapping his arms around me. "That's not a hard choice. You know what I pick."

"I don't understand how that all fits into this master plan of yours? How is this going to help you?" Jasper buts in.

"Because I will be there for Jacob and he will be there for me. I am going to need a lot of help for part 2 of my plan. We are going to Seattle and I am going to fight against my mother's parole. And I also was on the phone with several psychologists this morning and think I finally found one that I can deal with."

They all tell me how proud they are of me and blah blah blah. But in the end they all have other things to be doing so they file out my door on to the bigger and better things in life.

I am again left alone with my thoughts and Edward's letter. The letter that I tried not to think too much about because I knew I wasn't going to like the answers to my questions.

XXXXX

Every year Volturi records held a huge Christmas party. I had been a part of it every year since it's inception. I was five it's first year, escorted by my parents. When I was eight my Uncle reluctantly dragged me too it and I broke down when they memorialized Charlie. I had tried to back out of it several times in my youth but no one would let me. I owned the majority of the record, even if I was only a child who had a team of adults to make those decisions for me, but they still insisted that I be a part of it. It wasn't a place for a child, it was filled with drinks and drugs and very inappropriate things. Each year that passed, I began to enjoy it a little more. I got drunk at twelve. At thirteen I got high with some of the new talent. I lied about my age and seduced the drummer for the headlining band of the label at fourteen.

At eighteen I had tried to assume some responsibilities at the firm. They didn't give me any major responsibilities, I was too big of a monumental fuck up for that. But I tried. I had the money and didn't need a job but I still felt like I should work. Edward and Jasper's band had released their first album to a surprising amount of success. It wasn't as if their album sales had gone platinum or anything but they had a steady fan base that was growing at a good rate. If things continued at that rate their album could reach gold in another few months. Their first single wasn't a big hit but their second song broke through to the airwaves and did reach the billboard charts. The recent release of their third song was better than we had expected, it was immediately played by radio stations and put into the rotations. Aro was putting a lot of money into making them a success, in part because of my insistence, the rest was all because they were talented. They had just started work on a second album. And my relationship with Edward was as usual... rocky at best.

They were chosen to be the headlining band that played the Christmas concert that kicked off the party. The concert went better than expected and we thought it would jumpstart a lot more record sales for them, hopefully pushing them to the point of gold record sales. Maybe even more. We hoped.

After the concert ended we made our way to the party center to start the Christmas party. I held off getting high until then, thinking I had to pretend to be professional at that part. The moment I set foot into the party center I quickly found a pusher that was holding. His drug of choice was Ecstasy and I didn't discriminate between my illegal drugs so I bought. He placed the small yellow smiley faced pill on his tongue and I brought my tongue to his, giving him a kiss in thank you as I licked the pill off and swallowed it down.

I mingled, doing what I hoped was my required amount of business until the E kicked in. That's when Edward found his way over to me. I could instantly tell that he was different. I had seen him drink a lot. And I had seen him smoke weed. But who doesn't at some point in their life? It's at the point where I don't even think that most people consider marijuana a drug anymore. But what I had seen in him as he approached me wasn't just a little beer and weed. He was as high as I was and by the looks of it completely in love with the feeling.

I grabbed his face and held it in my hands, pressing my lips to his and kissing him roughly. "I fucking love you," he said, pulling away from me. "And I fucking love this shit. I can fucking feel the music, it's dancing all over my body." That sounded like the wonderful drug that is Ecstasy.

"You found the magic man," I said with a smile. This was going to be one hell of a party.

Edward pulled me out into the crowd and we danced. Our dancing quickly became a little inappropriate. But it was the kind of party where stuff like that happened and these were the kinds of people that didn't even take notice because they were doing plenty of inappropriate things on their own. "I _need _to touch you," he said, his voice filled with urgency. His hands roamed all over my body but no one paid any attention. Every cell of my body that he touched was ignited into flames and I didn't want to put the fire out. His lips met the soft flesh of my neck where he kissed, licked and bit. I bit my lip hard and ground my teeth together, I reached behind me and grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled roughly. I needed to grab hold of something to keep me grounded or I was going to float away. His right hand pressed against my breast and I grabbed hold of his left, leading it up my waist and over my stomach leading it to my left breast. We continued to dance not exactly matching the rhythm of the music but dancing to the feeling of our own pleasure. I ground myself against him seeking even just a little friction between our bodies. I didn't last long before I had to turn to face Edward and bring my lips to his. I kissed him as if my life depended on it, because I felt like it did. I felt like if I didn't kiss him I would pull apart in ten different directions.

Edward pulled away from me, much to my disagreement and moved us across the room, into an area that was a lot less crowded. It was mostly filled with Ecstasy like us, getting as close as they could to the music so they could feel it and taste it like we could. We were near the speakers so it was difficult to hear one another so anything we had to say we used our bodies. And it turns out we both only had one thing on our minds. His hands were warm on my thighs and they traveled under the hem of my short, tight and sequined dress and they didn't stop until they reached the wetness between my thighs. "I need to touch you _everywhere_." He slipped one of his long fingers inside of me and I drew in a sharp breath. I wasn't planning on this when I decided to skip wearing underwear, I just didn't want to ruin my dress with panty lines but I was very glad to have made that choice. He moved his finger in a slow circle, teasing me as his thumb gently brushed up against my sex. The drugs coursing through my system had intensified the feelings of his hands on me and I almost orgasmed instantly. I didn't care if we were surrounded by people, I wanted to fuck him right then and there.

He backed us up into the darkened corner and his mouth found mine as his fingers slipped in and out of me, teasing me. His left hand held my hands above my head, keeping me helpless as he touched me. Just as my body tensed, preparing for my climax he stopped. His fingers slid out of me and he brought them to his mouth to suck my juices off his fingers. I stuck out my tongue and licked up his fingers and to his mouth, tasting myself on him. I could feel the growl release deep in his throat as he lifted me up and pinned me against the back wall. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he undid his pants just enough to release himself. He grabbed my hips and lowered me down onto him. He thrust into me fast and hard. And my climax was approaching very fast. I bit down onto his shoulder as I felt myself spasm around him. His climax was right behind mine. He lowered me down and we both adjusted out clothes kissed furiously and then made our way back to the crowd and began to dance again, no one seeming to be any wiser as to what we just did.

It was the first time Edward used with me but it wasn't the last. How could it be the last when the first was that amazing.

XXXXX

I pulled out Edward's second letter, the one that was attached to the flowers that rested on the center of my table. I'm sure this one is the one that he tells me how much he hates me and how much better his life is without me. Because I think that is what I need to hear to move on.

I opened the envelope, unfolded the letter and began to read.

_Bella,_

_I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, most of them with you. And I should have said I'm sorry a long time ago. And I know it probably doesn't mean much now but I still have to say it. I truly am sorry. And I hope that you can find it in yourself to accept my most sincere apology. _

_I've always had a way with words. But when it comes to you… you always leave me speechless so I got a little help. Every flower in this bouquet has a special meaning (or at least that's what I'm told by the florist) to help me express how I feel for you. _

_**Daffodil, **__because I want to start over. I want a new life with you._

_**Aster, **__because I will keep patiently waiting for you to come back to me._

_**Statice **__because I miss you more than you will ever know._

_**Hydrangea**__, for my sincerest apologies for everything I ever did to push you away._

_**Chrysanthemum, **__to show my constant fidelity to you. Or at least to promise that I will remain faithful to you from this moment on out. I know we have both made our mistakes in the past but that's what it is now…the past._

_**Purple Lilac,**__ because you are my first and only true love._

_**Orange Lily,**__ for my undying passion for you and only you._

_**Red Roses,**__ for love, because I love you so much and I always will._

_I know I don't deserve it but please come visit me so I can apologize in person. I know you owe me nothing so I wouldn't blame you for ignoring my desperate pleas. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to push you away. I took you for granted and now I regret it. _

_I had to get a little help and stalk and bribe a few people to find your address so I hope you get this and I hope it brings a smile to your face. Because despite what you might think, you deserve it._

_With all my love and undying devotion,_

_Edward_

My hands shook the paper violently as I read the letter. Those aren't the words I need to hear him say. I need to hear him say that he hates me. That he's moved on. I don't want to know that he still loves me as much as I love him. I don't want him to tell me any more words of love. Because I am afraid of what that might mean.

Edward had always had difficulty showing any kind of romantic love. That wasn't what our relationship was based on. We were only about passion... weather it be sex or violence, we had passion. We never really did the romance thing. We never dated. We partied. We fucked. We fought. That was the extend of things between us.

I dialed Jasper and didn't wait for him to finish his greeting to ask the question that was burning in my mind, "What happened to Edward after I left?"

There was silence on the other end for a minute. I checked to make sure I hadn't dropped the call, but Jasper just didn't have an answer for my question. Or he didn't want to tell me. Either way, it made me terrified. "I'll be over in an hour," he said and hung up.

I didn't have enough stuff to keep me occupied for an hour. I try to clean but I never liked to do that shit. I try to paint but I couldn't concentrate. I try to listen to music but there was only one thing I wanted to hear. So instead I pulled out my iPad and downloaded a new app. I stared at the piano keys on the screen and stared at the notes of Edward's song. I only played the first few keys before Jasper opened my door and sat across from me.

We sat in silence for a few moments, no one knowing how to begin what was sure to be a very difficult conversation. I finally found some courage and opened my mouth. "So... what happened?"

Jasper released a heavy sigh and looked down at the table as I continued to play the first few bars of the song. It was a comforting thing to do. It didn't bring the song to life but it gave me something to do. "Are you sure you want to know? Are you ready for something like this?"

My face fell and my heart broke at his words. "Is it really that bad?" My hands begin to shake when he didn't respond. "He's been using, hasn't he?"

My question catches him off guard. Jasper snaps his head to give me a questioning look. "How'd you know?"

I shrug, playing with my wristband to gently finger my scars. "He wasn't like me. He never got into it. But there were a few times. And he was always so different during those times. That's what his letters remind me of." I stop to choke back some tears. "So it's true?"

"Of course it's true. It's only taken us a month or two to record all of our past albums and we've already been here for nearly four months trying to get it done. That CD I gave you of what we have so far... it took a long time to get that much." he reached behind him and threw a CD at me. "Here is what most of it sounds like. I don't really recommend that you listen to it. It's bad."

"How'd it happen?" I ask as I begin to play a little more of the melody of Edward's song.

"About a week after you left him, he called me. I wouldn't tell him anything and he freaked. He basically stalked me for awhile before he realized that you weren't there. He freaked even more." He pauses and watches me carefully. "Are you sure you can hear this?" I didn't respond for fear that the words wouldn't come out without tears so I just nodded. "He pulled away from everyone after that. He was pretty depressed and... I don't know how it happened but the next time I saw him... I recognized the signs. I saw it in you. He wasn't himself. He was just a hollow body with the drugs making all the decisions."

"How bad is it?" I could feel the first tear slip down my cheek.

"It's not recreational. By the time I had seen him to notice the changes, he was already too far gone." He took a deep breath to calm his shaking voice. "It's incredibly frustrating. You get better the more time you spend away from him. But the longer he is away from you, the worse he gets. You're my two best friends... I don't know what to do. I don't know if there is anything I can do. It's like I have to chose one of you to save and it's not right. I can't chose." No matter how hard I try to hold back the tears, they are streaming down my face faster than I could wipe them away. I give up trying to keep my cheeks dry and let the tears fall. My fingers fly over the piano keys on my screen and play the entire song on repeat three times before Jasper speaks again. "What are you playing?"

I shrug, not sure if I want to admit that I had given into the temptation. But how could I not? I was still in love with Edward and I always would be. How could I not want to know what he had to say to me. Hearing his kind words were harder than I thought it would be. Harder I think than if he had told me that he hated me and he never wanted to see me again. Because now I know that we are both miserable away from each other. But I wasn't ready to get back into a relationship with him. Especially if he was an addict. I was barely strong enough to walk past dealers on the street. There was no way I could be around a user and not fall back into my old habits. "It's his song. One he said he wrote for me. It was with his letter. The composition is beautiful as always, but I wish I could hear him. That's the only way to bring it to life. To hear the tone of his voice. To really know what it's about. Words are just words. His voice holds all the emotion. And that's what I need."

Jasper nods his head and stands. He produces another CD and throws it on the table. "I know this wasn't easy. Call if you need me. Call Alice. Call Jacob. It doesn't matter. But don't deal with this alone. You know you have a support system. Use it." He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tight. "I need you to stay well."


End file.
